I Still Have No Idea What I'm Doing: A Wayward Elf's Musings

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cptcuddlepants
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Re: I Still Have No Idea What I'm Doing: A Wayward Elf's Mus

Post by cptcuddlepants » Thu Feb 15, 2018 4:40 am

Is this how Sarina felt?

Surrounded by war (and enemies) on all sides, forced to face them alone. Demands, nonstop demands. Do this, do as you're told, obey me, obey him, obey her, submit.

Did they involve themselves because they cared about her, or because they merely wanted a tool to carry out their desires?

I understand why it happened. What else can a drowning person do, other than cling to the only raft in an endless ocean?

Sabine is her raft, Vance is mine. He listens to me without telling me that everything I think, say, and do is wrong. He cares for me without making any demands of me. How strange it is, that a Cyricist is capable of compassion and decency, and these so-called righteous people are not.

They're going to kill him. They're going to make a spectacle of it and gloat that they vanquished some great and terrible evil. They'll get their heroes' welcome, they'll get their applause and their cheering crowds, they'll go home to their friends and family and all will be well.

I'm already preparing for the day they kill him, no matter how far away it is. Maybe someone will come back (he said he'll come back, he's going to come back, he said he would) or someone else will replace what I've lost. Maybe not. Probably not.

The paladins create their own villains, don't they? Isolate a person, strip them of their friends, convince them they're a fool and a monster, push them until they break - and there you have it. One villain, ready for the slaying.

I hope the Underdark kills them.
When the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table.

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cptcuddlepants
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Re: I Still Have No Idea What I'm Doing: A Wayward Elf's Mus

Post by cptcuddlepants » Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:49 am

Busy, busy, busy.

I wish others wouldn't lie to me. Or, if they're going to lie to me, at least do it well instead of making up shoddy lies that I can see right through. If you lie badly to someone's face, not only are you telling them that you don't trust them, you're telling them that you think they're stupid enough to believe a weak lie.

Spoke with Pea about lying, and how some people will say it's okay to lie. He disagrees. I think it depends on the situation. I said that if you're going to lie, you have to be ready to support that lie and deal with whatever consequences the lie leads to. It's easier to tell the truth. Stops problems from happening.

They didn't. They lied. I figured it out. They got angry that I'm angry at being lied to. So they told me more lies, and got angrier when I didn't believe lie after lie after lie.

How many times did it work on me, when I was a kid? Beatings and cursing one night, warmth and affection the next. They were sorry. They wouldn't do it again. It was the drink. They were frustrated. They had a bad day. They lied. I believed it. And it continued, again and again and again, because I would go crawling back for the table scraps and the kind words and the sincere smiles below the insincere eyes.

I wasn't smart enough to leave back then. I thought I deserved it - I thought I'd done wrong. It was my fault, always my fault. I was too stupid, too slow, too weak. I could make them happy, I told myself, if I changed for them. If I obeyed them and did what they said and thought what they thought and did everything they wanted me to. If I believed their lies.

I should've left.

So when she told me to leave, I left.

She should be happy. I admitted that I wasn't as good as her perfect, precious son. I finally obeyed her. She got what she wanted.

She should be happy.

I don't have time to be a child for her. There are people who need me as me, not an obedient little boy. There's at least four of them. I don't know if I can help them all, but I have to try, I have to stand tall and strong and look them in the eye and lie to them and say that everything will be okay and I can help and everything will get better. It kills you, knowing that they're suffering and you have to wait and watch from safety. I wish I could take their place. Make them not suffer as much.

This is why I retired.

I told myself that it was time to stop. I said I retired, but I never stopped. I'm doing the exact same thing that drove me mad, knowing what'll happen, knowing I'll never win.

Guess I lied to me, too.
When the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table.

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Re: I Still Have No Idea What I'm Doing: A Wayward Elf's Musings

Post by cptcuddlepants » Mon Jul 16, 2018 6:02 pm

I've never liked Myon.

Stone shouldn't fly. Stone is cold and unfeeling, unmoving, silent in the ground. Stone is rigid and unchanging. Stone is blank eyes over a blank smile on a blank face. Stone is literal and figurative walls put up to protect something from the terrible world outside, or to protect the world from something terrible within. Stone is what we surround our hearts with to show the world that we are strong and emotionless and perfect because emotions are weakness and having no emotions means you're strong and perfect.

Myon is stone, through and through, inside and out. All of its prettiness and its delicate little trinkets are stone. Its people are stone. They are cold and unfeeling, unmoving, rigid, unchanging, blank eyes over blank smiles on blank faces. They say their walls protect them from the world's hatred.

I say the walls protect the world from their hatred.

There are now two statues in Myon's stone heart, cold unfeeling stone against soft grasses and bright flowers and beauty.

Myon knew of them, of course. The required pity flashed through those blank eyes, worn-out platitudes and meaningless expressions of sympathy for their tragic situations slipped past those blank smiles, and life went on. Stone does not bend or break for anything. Stone kept the terrible realities of the outside world from creeping into their perfect, emotionless lives.

You never have to grieve for the people you never cared about, after all.

Neither of them left behind anything I could bury. They were drowning and when they reached out for help, all they found were stone hearts, too smooth and perfect for them to grasp with their broken hands. They sank beneath the waves without a sigh, without a trace, and they were forgotten.

Myon is still proud and perfect, undefeated, beautiful stone that protects The People from the darkness outside as it always has and always will.

Losses don't count if you don't acknowledge they ever existed, after all.

Life went on. This time, I rebelled.

I mourned them. I remembered them. I took the emotions that made the world call me weak, the memories that the world chose to forget, the lives that the world allowed to fade away, and I carved them into marble. I made reminders of their existence, their lives, the fact that they once walked this world, the fact that they were loved (even if only by an insane heretic who destroys everything he touches) and I left these stone reminders of life and love and pain amidst the grass and flowers in Myon's cold, unfeeling heart.
When the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table.

Get Jad's portrait here!

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