Hart's thoughts; random monologue

[roleplaysbyjake]

You once asked me why I became a slave. You then asked me why I would remain a slave, when the collar had been unlocked, and asked why I would give myself to someone, a Cyricist, spoken in a tone of derision, followed by 'of all things'. It didn't make sense, you said, and everyone else said so with their gazes as well.

In a sense, I felt like I was being interrogated honestly, and the questioning gave me a sort of rush, the one that sparks my mind to come to life. You did not know me that well. You did not know the type of person I was or used to be. You had no idea the people I've hurt, and the trail of blood I've left behind in the wake of my footsteps.

Or perhaps you Did. You knew I used to be a follower of Loviatar. You knew that I said that I did terrible things. But I don't think you believed me. And the truth of it all? I would not believe it myself if I met myself as I am now. As I look in the reflection, I see a refined gentleman with a soft gaze. That spins words sweet as ice spun sugar, lulling others into a spider web, trapping them with just the right words until they cannot help but be dragged into my world.

I see a person, no longer cold as ice. No longer with words sharp as a dagger, someone who has changed. Someone who is sweet, never complains..

Not the person I used to be... The one that almost brought ruin about to the great name of that he treasured the most. Forced to the brink of despair, and in his final realization, as he realized that he could lose everything, he said. "I must change... I need to become different."

It wasn't just for power. It wasn't just for clinging to someone who would give him everything he wanted and could wildly dream of. It was because no matter how badly he'd messed up, he was not given up on.

A person that he once sought to betray... for selfish reasons that did not last, for satisfaction that would dissipate as quickly as his life was extinguished. So how could it be, then? How could it be that when asked with this question of why he became his slave, how could he say with certainty, such cruel, bittersweet irony...

"Because it's the only way I can show my love."

Because he knew.. If he had not fallen in love with the other the way he had. He would have been as he was, dead inside and with not a damn or care in the world for the people he hurt.