Who I really am

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ColorMeLucky
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Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Sun Sep 16, 2018 9:24 am

When I'm alone... I'm reminded of why I fight. I'm reminded because it's who I am, and I answer this daily.


There are whispers.

Ghostly trails of thoughts that seek a perverted form of justice, that twist and writhe at every pain done unto others.
A blade comes.
It tries to sever the connection to my self control, to break my rage free, to bring forth raw unadultered hate.
A spell escapes.
Thunder echoes and frost falls, flames dance and magic leaks like an aura of malevolence, a signal of weakness.
A darkness beckons.
A murmured word, a reminder that there are far more direct paths to power, that 'good' is restrained.
A voice calls.
It promises release, it promises so many things at no cost, it promises freedoms that truly would be wonderful to indulge.
It corrupts.
And I deny it.

There are stories.
Many of my pain, many of my loves, many of hopes and failings, many of my inability and inexperience, and many of my success.
It screams "You'll fall"
And I remind it time and again that I know. I am used to it, to having to use what will I have left to keep clutching my sword.
A retreat.
Alone in the darkness with this 'other me', and yet somehow I find enough light in myself to never feel too alone.
A gentle hand on my back.
It's warmth and safety seems to reassure me, it's words remind me what I stand for, what I hope for.
An embrace within.
Arms around me, bathed in light, compassionate and loving, reassuring and tender.
It protects.
And I accept it.

There are scars.
Oh the scars are always more than physical, always deeper still, right over the very core of the soul.
It aches.
Aye, it aches, there are times when the will simply isn't there, where I find it difficult to fathom continuing, where a rest is... desirable.
A heart beats.
And gently, slowly, I am reminded I am alive, and I fight for those who's hearts beat alongside me.
A magic is born.
Stronger than any I wield to harm, a magic that is truer than any other commanded, wilder than any wild magic.
A shadow grasps.
It tries to wrap itself around this light, tries to drown it in cynical exasperation and despair, in doubt and fear.
It fails.
And it always will.

Because I am Mach Samuel Fryar
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
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Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Wed Sep 19, 2018 12:05 pm

Today there was a reminder that other struggle, and so words came to my heart. It carried answers to questions I have, every day.

There is good in this world.
The world is bathed in light, and it is because of that fact that many find it easier to breathe and live.
There is good that must be protected.
The world is filled with kindness and hearts that must be guarded against pain beyond their control
There is truth that must be spoken aloud.
The minds of others are often clouded and it obscures their hopes and dreams.
There is trials to be endured.
And endure them we all must, for we are those who walk in light and maintain our truest selves.
There is good in this world.
And I will see it bloom.

There is evil in this world.

My back aches with the scars, my body quivers at the feeling of familiarly dark and powerful magic.
There is evil that is necessary.
Even as I despise it, I was taught by many; for each light, there is a shadow that is it's equal.
There is truth that must never be spoken.
For the darkest days, I hold not will to speak of how bleak it is, but instead choose to ignore and inspire.
There are trials to be endured.
And they will break some of us, I know for true. I resent it, and know that I have been broken by it.
There is evil in this world.
And I will fight it till my last.

There is balance in this world.
A stage is set, a star set among the void is born, and forever it burns to show it's light to those who wonder of it below.
There is the balance that must be protected.
If there is too much darkness, there exists a need for brighter light. If there's too much light, so too will there be need for darkness.
There is truth that need not be spoken or hidden.
Many fundamental things I have learned we all know; that opposites exist for a reason, that my enemies exist for a reason.
There are trials to be overcome.
And we will overcome them, together, as our enemies do the same.
There is balance in this world.
And I accept that I am part of it.

I am Mach Samuel Fryar. And I love life.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Wed Sep 26, 2018 6:44 pm

There are times when I feel fear, and none more so than when I must hold my weapon for the ones I love. My heart is clouded, yet for others it shines so bright. Into an abyss I ran, and yet somehow, in my despair, she reached for me. And now she is gone forever.

**It would seem that the writing on this particular page is covered in dried water of some kind. Judging from how it is presented, it could be argued they're tears.**


I was wrong.
My heart, my love, my hopes, my dreams, everything that came could not come without price.
I was selfish.
Everything I sought was wrought with a selfish and earnest desire to have everything without cost.
I was greedy.
What I have, what I had, my only guide is the Ptarian, a code I barely understood.
I was lost.
I found myself on a battlefield I had run into, unable to see my friends, unable to see my lovers, all I could see was destruction.
I lamented.
This isn't what I wanted.

I was ready.
When that portal closed, when that feeling of failure was amplified, when my hope dwindled to raw despair, I gave up.
I was done.
I knew what I would lose. I know what I will lose. I know what I have lost.
I was proud.
I love them. I love all of them. They all do so well, they didn't deserve to be punished.
I was reminded.
That I bring war. That I will bring chaos. That I will bring order.
I bring Change.
This isn't how I wanted to bring it.

Her words were pure.
Azaria spoke, with confidence, with grace, with fully knowing my pain and struggle, and understanding.
Her words were gentle.
They spoke that I'd not broken the code, not quite.
Her belief was such.
That I was honorable. That I was in pain. That I was forgetting the most important part of the code because she never explained it.
Her heart reached me.
I recalled and remembered myself, true clarity in a single self-pitying moment.
She was proud.
And this alone keeps me sane.

I write this because I was contemplating suicide, and I did not love life. And the reason I did not love life is because I did not love myself. I found myself hideous, day in and out, and constantly blamed myself.

I will no longer be simply Mach Fryar.

I will be Silnyir the Silver.

And that name will be what I strive for.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Sun Oct 28, 2018 10:35 am

During recent times I find myself wondering about many things that I hold close. The ideals of duty and honor, against the values of freedom and expression, the pursuit of love and the pain it might lead to.

In these moments, I think of the word 'home'. And suddenly a painting came to me. And I was filled with both pride and longing.

... I decided to say goodbye to Kriegos and Master Kayla for the final time in the most optimistic and bright way I could, because there is one value I hold higher than others.

If it bleeds, it's life,
If it bleeds, it can cry,
If it bleeds, it can fear and it can lament.

And it can hope.

If it reasons, it is capable of good.
If it reasons, it is capable of evil.
If it reasons, it is capable, of deciding it's own fate and it's own choices.

And it can hope.

If it fears, it can resent
If it fears, it can love
If it fears, it can reach out with a desperate hand or lash out like a wild animal

And it can hope.

All things lead to hope. In the end, all simply hope to reach something in life, and those without hope can be inspired to hold it once more.
I am a force of change. But more than that, I try to be a force of hope.

Also I've come to think that writing down my mistakes might be wise in this weird journal thing I do. So here we go. It's mostly a reminder, I guess, for whoever decides to read this after my time.
- Criticised Clea a little too openly and harshly, though I believe she deserved it. She's still learning, as am I.
- Meddled with Qo'don and Thaelyn. I wish I could do more to fix it all.
- Held a pirate unnecessarily at sword-point. Even if she was lying about her kid, I should be more compassionate even to foes.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Tue Oct 30, 2018 4:24 pm

Today I met with both an old friend and a careful foe; and in the meeting I uttered both warning and hope and managed to convey what I felt was necessary for both. It was largely a success and a good measure of self control; despite everything, I had feared my fury would overtake, and yet it holds at bay for now.

The pressure is on and my thoughts race as my officers are dealing with personal affairs. It feels sometimes as though I am alone, and yet I read over my own notes and find myself scolding some rather narcissistic notions; that I inspire myself with hope, sometimes.

With warmth, a shining sun and a gentle breeze,
The echo of a voice lingers in the ear, a heart throbs behind another,
A solemn but steady beating, a reminder that something can be free,
A mystery.

With caution, a finger lingers and slides over a blade of grass,
The echo of an emotion remains and stirs, a soul burns over a horizon,
A warming but lonesome light, a reminder that something can be worth chasing,
A dream

With vigour, feet smash and slide over loose soil and stone,
The rush of blood throbs in the veins, a desperation surfaces across a worn face,
A gentle but sweet embrace, a reminder that effort is rewarded
A goal.

With tears, entwined hearts unite and sing,
The laughter and tears sing for all to hear, and two fated once more meet,
A genuine and sincere moment is shared, and then hands and minds part once more,
A fare well.


Let this entry be dedicated to those who hold forever a place in my heart, whom wanders my dreams still. And for those of you who end up reading this after I'm gone, please let this passage maybe call to your hearts, and maybe grant some solace and conclusion to your pains.

Mach's Mistakes:
- I suppose today I made the mistake of arrogantly attempting to take on the Styx Dragon again alone. I usually succeed, fate is vengeful and fickle, however.
- I need to find officers I can rely upon, dedicated to the Frostblades. It's difficult to do everything on my own again.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Sun Nov 04, 2018 6:01 am

Today's entry is a lot about loss, of which recently it feels there is much of. While previously I had viewed it as something hurtful and pained, I today see it as something... different. There was pain, and there was hurt. And yet my heart did not ache as it normally would, but rather it sought immediately to comfort those who were affected. Perhaps I merely delay my pain subconsciously, but it felt like it was something I could accept fully.

We lost some good people, and others were put in harms' way. A romantic dilemma has cost Qo'don his life, and Thaelyn her truest heart. Part of me knows exactly what Qo'don was going through, and so this entry is dedicated to those who are clouded by a fear;
a fear of being left out and alone.


When this ink scatters paper and thought to those who scry,
Know that there are words hidden in clouds and sky,
Dark and brooding rain tends to fall,
it offers a doubt, in the hearts of all.

When uttered a line from poisonous lips,
Know that there are several meanings from the toxic dips,
Drained and empty a heart will become,
If one is left alone in their thoughts, and undone,

When witness doth bear the sight of a crazed heart,
Know that there was a shadow aching from the start,
Dim and devilish is the demons of doubt and despair,
But there is a hope for those who care,

When fury is endured and the cause is found,
Know that they are vulnerable and crying for a sound,
Desire and hope are all they will seek,
For while they bluster, their hearts have been struck weak,

When the storm has passed and the pain has begun anew,
It takes the truly courageous to see what the storm goes through,
Destruction and suffering a vicious cycle they are bound,
Till the right heart comes to guide them is found,

When the right words are murmured and hope is groomed,
Know that that heart will bloom into something true,
Deliver them from shadows by helping them see their own good,
And then stick around to help them pick up pieces of a wall that once stood,

And before love, be a friend.
Because a large heart will ache the deepest, and love still in spite of it.

Mach's Mistakes:
- Surprisingly, few to report today. I think I did okay. I can't have done better to comfort those who mourn him, I must endure my own grief that they have someone to lean on. Sylphia needs a purpose beyond. I will, most likely, make her a custodian of the Castle.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Tue Nov 13, 2018 3:21 pm

As I write this entry, a collar is strapped and burns against my neck, and I'm constantly reminded that freedom is a very important thing to me. This entry is for those who end up in a similar position, forced to give up freedoms for the sakes of others, and prevent others from making dumb mistakes.

It's kind of important to note that this slavery is not so bad as I thought. Then again, after three years of Geas at the hands of a Lovitarian sorceress, I suppose anything the Underdark could put me through really is sort of childish. They'll get bored, because I'll just laugh and spite them all the while. I'm already growing bored. Although getting banned from what is known as Andunor's hub was rather amusing. Aqarev must be absolutely paranoid, and I have to laugh at his cowardice. I face him without fear as I face all those below without it. There might be a callous disregard for my life, or so they think, but rather I know what I am believed to be worth and abuse it.

Mystra and Hanali Celanil watch over me. I will bring you both pride as I discover and encourage beauty, and display the pride and raw force of will necessary to overcome my trials.

Sunlight within, sunlight without,
Murmurs and mumblings, a set of eyes that are coal,
Yet hope shines just so, begging for a hand,
And it comes with mine.

Moonlight within, moonlight without,
Tears and joy, a set of claws that reach not in malevolence,
Yet peace shines just so, a curiosity shines,
And it comes with theirs.

Twilight within, Twilight without,
Pain and aches, a set of lashes and a hot iron to mine,
Yet courage born just so, a defiance burns!
And it inspires with ours.

Sunrise within, Sunrise without,
Mystery and mists, a set of hearts beat with fear,
Yet love blooms just so, a darkness lifted,
And it enraptures us all.

Mach's Mistakes:
- Screw it, I don't really think I could have done much differently, and there's no time for regrets right now.
- I'm probably enjoying pissing people off a bit too much though. I should really hold back or I risk others who aid me.
- Also I should paint more. I like painting.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Tue Nov 27, 2018 2:57 pm

The time has dwindled as my freedom has come. There were many who aided me, many who eased my burdens, my pain down there. Yet as I arrived to the surface, despite my resilience, despite my proud defiance, despite my bold plan and risk-turned-reward, some of those closest to me spurned me. Truly, it was heartbreaking to watch long time friends believe I was willing; that I had 'martyred' myself.

But the truth is I didn't choose sacrifice. What I chose, was to punish those who sought to control and contain. Through their arrogance, I learned much, through their foolishness, I understood them, and through their sheer stupidity and fear, I even learned that they were terrified.

Those who aided me were those who above looked down on; a drow here, a kobold there, even a goblin had brightened my day with some foolish antics. It was endearing, to see that place surprisingly warm sometimes, between the torture and the hatred. There were good hearts down there, doomed to never truly be able to walk in a light I felt they deserved.

When I spoke of honoring and even trusting those who had gone so far to aid me below, I was scolded and even admonished and threatened for it by the elves of Myon. How dare the idea of a kobold having compassion enter the blessed light of the Seldarine, in their narrow and blind eyes. Truly, it is difficult for me to look at Myon as being lead by elves, and more akin to being lead by drow in disguise; they allow hatred and bloodlust to blind their blades.

Pirates strike often. One of my dearest friends is in a collar, but already I am working to liberate her. One of my other friends too is on the path.
An elven woman was taken captive, and I wished to purchase her from the captors, the pirates of Sencliff, and then strike at them after to take a prisoner of our own. Unfortunately, the elves of Myon's military decided to play Hero instead. They wanted to assault and ambush the pirates; a foolish notion, for by setting the place of meeting, they could easily send a scout.

Zathlan, for all his intelligence, blabbed about the path of chainbreaking. The pirates might clue in and be sharper of watch now, as I await a chance to reach out to Ven'ynore and save her since her kin are woeful at their duties, and care not for her life or sanity, but the 'pride of Corellon'.

One might read the scathing hatred I have for these recent events. One might argue that my plans and my actions might have only encouraged the pirates. Nonsense. They are already encouraged. If you must strike, you must do so with all your strength, not half of it. If they hold a hostage, free the hostage using what means you can, THEN strike at them savagely for your holy vengeance! Even as I scrawl this out, I think of nothing but contempt for the so called protectors of Myon. They lack scruples and they lack tact!

On other matters...

I write in this journal less and less due to more and more happening. Not one but two drow paladins, both being outcast. Once again, Myon show's it's disgusting and rotten heart, believing that all drow should be purged; Sheverash is all they see and feel, not Corellon Larethian. Those two paladins are fine, far as I can tell. One struggles more with their inner nature, but in time I think she'll realise she was chosen not as a cruel joke, but because more than ever she can be a guide for her people.
For them to be guides, they must first be guided. I wish to have them join the Frostblades, to help encourage the good in them.
With this, I have gained recruits a plenty of late; as if blessed by the fates, people rally to the banner, eager to find a place to do right, to find friends of like minds, and to protect others.

Admittedly I have offered a shady deal with the kobolds. It is to our benefit, and with such, to theirs. I wish to use their armors to help equip us to deal with the pirates. Myon despised this notion; Clea I think has been brainwashed. I look at Sings and Alluin with revile; they remind me of no better than the very drow they hunt. No mercy. No compassion. No warmth. Just hatred, pride, and arrogance.

The light of Hanali Celanil, of most of the Seldarine, is dim. I feel as if even as Clea invoked Vandria Gilmadrith, she spited the goddess nigh immediately after with her actions.


i have taken three pages of my journal just for this entry. Perhaps this is me finding a new outlet to vent frustration? Perhaps.
I will now write a poem.

Roses are red, violets are blue, but hearts of gold will shine forever true,
Let the words of this verse strike within, may your heart be open for all kin,
Never forget the words of a friend, for with their breaths their goals reach end,
And never forget that pride is a villain, and arrogance is it's tool,

Flowers of hue, Sky so bright, within each of us is a guide of light,
With hearts and hands bound in song, may the world live forever long,
Love and dance and beauty and cheer, may it help us endure all years,
Hatred is the enemy, and it only breeds fear.

Smile of snow, eyes of meadow, may her grace guide us in these dark times.
Hanali, please read this prayer. Bring beauty back to Clea's heart. Bring love back.
Please make her realize the Seldarine is not only the Coronal.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Mon Dec 03, 2018 11:20 am

Mortality and Monsters

I find these two oddly the concern of my thoughts, and how they relate to me as I write this.
It is fascinating to just sit and listen to thoughts that echo in my head, and terrifying as pain shoots through my limbs as I write this. As a mage, I am at risk of death and a more permanent death than most are afforded in Arelith.

I smile and dream of a future,
I smile in the face of evil,
I smile as I walk peaceful glades,
And smile as a blade rushes at me,
Because I refuse to give in.

I scowl and seethe at my past,
I scowl at the repurcussions of evil,
I scowl as I walk a once vivid battlefield,
And scowl as an enemy chooses to fight;
Because I refuse to give in.

I love and hope for the good in all,
I love that it exists even of evil,
I love as I guide other hearts through shadows,
And love as panicked arms rush at me,
Because I refuse to give in.

I lament and despair at the hopelessness,
I lament that good cannot exist in all evil,
I lament as I walk and see familiar names on a grave,
And lament as distance causes hearts to ache,
Because I refuse to give in.

But most of all,
I refuse to give in because if I do,
Others who support me will get hurt,

So. I refuse.
Call it spite. Call it vengeance. Call it insanity! Cry out and decry me!
But I refuse to give in.
And so I smile.


It seems that Clea believes me some sort of broken or twisted person because I can smile despite all my suffering. I might even be so, and I think I seek Alais' teachings all the more to make sure I'm really on the right path.

To the future who reads this, to those of you who hold hope though, you are allowed to smile. Don't let them take it from you, let it shine brightly, I urge you. For she herself has lost her smile, and to me this is a greater tragedy to her kin, to her friends, who just want her to succeed.

And Clea Sara'fael, if one day after my passing, if you read this as you live far longer than I, know that I smiled for the sakes of everyone who couldn't. I know it's hard for you to understand, because the brutality of everything we face should leave us hollowed out shells, but I cannot let it happen.
I am not strong of much.
But this is what I can do.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Wed Dec 05, 2018 6:45 pm

To Face Him.

This day I took a moment to remember and undergo an important ritual of my people, a rite of passage for most adults. While I'd already succeeded once, that was when I was inured and numb to death of kin. Now I find that my heart does not rest as easily, and that my hopes and dreams are ignited, I must become a monster to face him.

The ritual is a thinking exercise in consecrated Eldathyan waters... of which we now have in our new base. I submerged myself and began.

There was naught but myself, with a blade in my hand, an hatred. Loathing. Rage. And malice. I was consumed in it. I was tyranny. I was ruthlessness. I was suffering.
In front of me stood my opponent, with no weapon in his hand; it was a much more peaceful, happy self, myself. The me that rejected this part of me, the me that would potentially lead to my undoing!

I brought the blade in my hand up higher as I advanced, and this smiling fool did not move. Yet... I could not finish the strike, nor could I raise my blade. I looked to my hands and malice was gone, and my lighter self just took my hand.

When I opened my eyes, I remembered myself. I had existed for a moment of time as my worst self. And I had shown the best of me mercy.
I had passed. As I shook myself free, I remembered my first poem I wrote in this book. I began to go over each.


To those who look on this, self-reflection is important. Somehow I ended up a bit self-absorbed. Maybe I even always was and might always will be. Certainly not perfect.

But then I see her, Rachel M'haaren. And I realise she makes me proud, proud of the path I walk, proud of the risks I take. She would never know it, unless you read my journal you sneaky elf, but just watching her succeed in her trials, finding laughter and smiling, enjoying time with friends, it fills me with inspiration and motivation to keep going.

While darkness surrounds our hearts, let us remember the best. No poem today. Just words of praise to all my friends.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Mon Dec 10, 2018 1:07 pm

Freedom beyond my Own

In the day I write this, I had ventured below under a new face and hidden name; hiding my guise and wearing a mask, I found that I walked below carefully and concisely. I was tracking an elf who apparently hated humans, who was abducted from Cordor's sewers. I fear for her as I could not find her, as I tracked Andunor I asked about and found the Slave Clamper had discussed with me a wood elf woman recently. My heart now hopes to find her and free her if she is captured.

In a bid to secure something, I sought information and an advantage below, I met a male Drow young in his path. My heart did not waver, a drew my blade to his throat and instructed him he was a prisoner. He didn't refuse, seems he recognised my power and feared for his life. He walked to the sewers and from there we talked. He thought I would execute him, at the end of it, but I left him with... A message of change. Perhaps time will tell if the ripple of truth I put in his mind reaches his heart.

I silently hope Sabae meets him, and somewhat hope further she and I are truly as aligned as we had discussed.

My relations with Clea have improved, as I realised perhaps I was too... arrogantly narrow-minded in my views of the Seldarine. Lately though, a glyph has appeared on my left wrist and Mystra's Star and Hanali's heart appears. Last time I felt this, I was granted divine power from Mystra.
I have prayed for more patience, as it is not time yet, but it feels both are... insistent.

I learn my heart is no longer controlled by my rage. My wild magic threatens my life but I am calm. I face it with a smile, as I promised.

Also I'm filled with... Anxiety? I kind of kissed my priestess when she offered. My heart is to Ylariel and Gabrielle but... I don't know. Alais is there too. It is alarming, as I was warding her off as best I could, to avoid... Well this. It is... Troubling. I'm not sure. I am committed to being her knight but did she... Writing is hard. This is hard. I am conflicted because she is my priestess. I should just dismiss such a notion, for she has better possible suitors, if not now, then in the future; elves anyway.

Sound of water, sound of screams, of blood spilled, of pain and suffering
Murmurs, deceit, betrayal,
A footstep in darkness, shrouded in menace, in hostility, a search,
And yet that which took it was not evil.

A facade, a dedicated gentle soul, a prize to be found in a cold place, of something taken
Elven, jaded, scared,
A voice called forward, a voice answered, in malice, in misunderstanding,
And yet that which took it was not evil,

Ebon, cold eyes, fear and loathing, and desperation,
Drow, jaded, misguided,
A hand outstretched, a touch in their mind, in light, in hope,
And yet that which offered it was not evil

It left then, alone with thoughts, of possible salvation, of the fate their own,
Confused, angry, vengeful,
A word comes, a portal opens, in snow and cold, a balm to fierce flames,
And that man who vanished proved he was not evil.

Break the chains, little dark-heart. See the light. See the truth. And rise.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Sun Dec 16, 2018 4:47 pm

Some time

It is has been some small time since I addressed you, the future, and I realised now who specifically might I be writing this journal for. My nameless audience, my unknowable witness; my children, my sister, my wives-to-be, my successors, my future Frostblades, my family... everyone.

I am dying. It is a scary fact, a fact that resonates all around me and echoes off every little thing I do, like sounds of soothing release. No greater foe than one's self, and my wild magic from before now seeks to consume me for my previous lack of restraint. Would that she had not blessed me with the power I feel latent within me, I would say Mystra herself were punishing me for my previous arrogance.

My dear sister, I will leave wisdom specific to you. It is a difficult thing, to walk the path I do, and I make it look natural to me. But there are so many times, times I cannot count, where I crumpled and cried and screamed and just had to be held and coddled like a child. And you're allowed that, in your pursuit of the light. Seek the truly good, and let them help you. Even if I cannot be there for you in person, I would pursue your happiness in my passing, your peace.
Rest assured, I would challenge heavens for you. If you read this before I pass, and just need it, I am here for you, you sneaky elf.

As I write this, sparks seem to escape me more often, any contact I make with my own body seems to allow magic to rush forth and billow out. I have found that Mystra had indulged me another mercy; Kyrana Willows yet lives. Bisik, when I go to the Abyss or Hells next, when I discover your fate, I will let you know as we fight, since I doubt our meeting will ever be peaceful again. Tragic. Yet may this final piece of my compassion reach you.

My sons and daughters of the future. Your father was a man of risk and adventure, of foolish ambition, and of achievement of it. Never in all of Arelith had a group from Skalljard risen up as we have, to fight pirates and villains, to banish darkness back and still offer peace. To my dear Gabrielle and Ylariel, I love you. You already know my heart, my hopes. I am happy to say eventually they will come to pass, I know those I have chosen will are my will.

My successors will likely one day read this too, supposing.
Rivis, Rachel, Mather.
Well. If you're stuck, ask yourself, "What would Mach do?"
And then probably double check, because I was crazy and nuts, especially my earliest days.

This journal... will end up being passed on. I have a lot of fears. I am scared of the future. I have so much to live for, beyond myself, things I am terrified to let go of, things I've yet to even hold in mine own arms. My hopes rest in the ability of others.
And so I write and scrawl this in my spare time.

Fascinating wonder, mysterious veil, how you wail and call,
An orchestra, a final song, how you sing and sound!
Wondrous dance, steps taken ripple, how you step in time and rhythm,
Final requiem, just a little more till the finale, please,

Beautiful chords, a whine strikes, how you build and grow,
As the final note calls, a lasting memory, how you beckon and swoon,
Tapping feet, there is no retreat, how this final performance remains,
Final song, just a little more to the end, please,

Oh start over, I beg, for I wish to dance more,
Oh start once more, just once more, let me truly enjoy this!
This moves too fast, as the band is urged to slow, not to cease,
But it goes on and the dance continues,


I am Silnyir the Silver, and I love life.
Please don't make me go.
I just got used to it.

At the end of this particular entry, it seems that tears from the writer stain the very edge, soft smaller dark patches that blemish the otherwise clear pages.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Tue Dec 25, 2018 11:29 pm

Rites and Fear

I think after thinking on it, my village was a bit strange. I write this now because it bothers me. We were so used to death that we weren't afraid of it; or perhaps that fear was just so much accepted that I was numb to it.

The Rite is soon, and Rachel will have to become the darkest parts of herself and have the restraint to stop all of it. I'm... pretty certain of her success, as I pray to Sehenine Moonbow to hold her close as we take it under starlight and her gentle grace.
I have a plan for if she fails badly. A bit of magic. My village never had strong magic so I guess cheating a bit is my best way.

Learning much every day. This world is huge, I've realised, and I say that now but I don't think I really appreciated the scope of all of Toril before.

I am Mach Fryar, the knight of Hanali Celanil.

I love life, and heavens, it's beautiful.

A question of Season
Summer breeze escapes through fingers wide and stretched,
There is light on skin that tests,
Is this warmth I feel? Is this serenity?
I know freedom.

Fall leaves sprinkle the forest floor from branches overhead,
There is light in my eyes that blazes bright,
Is this hope I feel? Is this wonder?
I know my dream.

Winter snow gently crashes in slow motion all around,
There is light in my chest that moves me forward,
Is this purpose I feel? Is this perseverance?
I know my footfall.

Spring flowers bloom in a symphony of color surrounding,
There is light in my heart that reminds me
Is this love I feel? Is this life?
I know life's truest guide.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

User avatar
ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Sat Dec 29, 2018 12:22 pm

Lights in Darkness, Shrouded in Secrecy, Murmuring of Hope

As I write this, sure enough I got myself collared once more. This time for a cause greater than most; to protect family, to aid them, to cover for them. There was no doubt or weight in my heart as I went down, not even the echoes that have plagued my mind consistently since the Nightmare incident in the Shadow Plane. Somehow it was all pushed back and what guided me was not hope, not raw stupidity, nor was it simple heroism or boundless honor.

It was Duty, and it was family.

By no means is the man who scrawls upon this parchment one who could be called... entirely above the board? This plan was risky, my children soon to be born in mere months. All to relay but one message. And to be there during her time of struggle.

Let it be for the future I write to that you understand that Love is Life's truest guide, and love for kin and family is possibly dearer and more incredible than any you could hope for. To recieve it. To offer it. All is a blessing.

The underdark ever surprises me; the Sharps are quick to arms as ever, this time I did naught to provoke it. Should be amusing.
I discovered romance in a place unexpected, and now work to see it bloom. Tricky given the nature, but... if only one, one of the hearts is worth encouraging.

In blackest depths, on coldest cycles, on darkest steps,
With honest hands, with gentle heart, with offered solace,
For not the anger, for not the cruelty, for not the death,
But with empathy, but with serenity, but with light,

In deepest reach, on foulest winds, in scourged plain,
With averted eyes, with gentle bow, with quiet murmur,
For not the eyes, for not the ears, for not the minds,
But with secrecy, but with passion, but with love

In blooded walls, with unholiest beasts, on horrid screams,
With compassion offered, with advice sought, with education learned,
For not the public, for not the enemies, nor not even friends,
But the human, But the Symbol, and but The Silent

Love true.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

User avatar
ColorMeLucky
Posts: 57
Joined: Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 pm

Re: Who I really am

Post by ColorMeLucky » Fri Jan 04, 2019 9:45 am

Duty, Conflict, Heart

Any who take an oath seriously know that the hardest part is knowing what's right and wrong within that code.
For me, the oath is simple:
I will love my friends,
I will love strangers,
I will love myself,
And I will love my enemies,


For me, these four lines exemplify all I need in life. It was tested and pushed. Anger surfaced as a drow paladin was hunted in the safety of Amadeo's monastary, and I silently wished some sort of divine intervention. Few of Sheverash seem to understand that they perpetuate a cycle that will just endanger their kin. Their wishful ignorance of the banite threat is worrying.

They have likely already been compromised.

I think it's time I took up my heart again, my Frostblades, my people, and lead them. This collar around my neck is but one shackle I can shake, but the one around my heart as I simply watch when others suffer and have so little to say... Hurts far worse.
I know my time below has actually gotten to me. Pretend all I want, I balled my eyes out at just a touch from Skylar... she must think me pathetic and pitiful now, but what's done is done. I have no time to address it.

In my heart, when I close my eyes, something calls but it does not feel like most.

My faith was shaken by those who would raise a weapon against one who would not. It is hard to love those who know not love. Feels like those who have taken that cursed Archer's oath just never had someone to sit down and help them with their grief, and it so has consumed them.

My Coronal, Clea, has requested I talk to the new one. Well, she has lead me true thus far. I must trust her and try to understand this new one I guess, though in truth I'd rather Clea just take a small break and return stronger.
Grown so much, she has. I hope her and Valendel enjoy their marriage.

I would write a poem but... nothing comes. I feel cold like a shell. I usually write something of hope, or love or something. It is as much for my future as it is myself, but... today's poem will not be written. Some other day perhaps.

I am Mach Fryar. And I'm struggling to love life, but I'm trying.
Current characters: Mach S. Fryar, Vastin
"I am Silnyir the Silver, and the Frostblades are my scales, wings and breath; and I will be it's heart."
- Mach
"Two hands on the job, that's what Pa says!"
- Vastin

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