From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

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TheOpticalMouse
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From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:24 am

The tome is primarily a medical journal with notes and observations written throughout it. Thoughts, theories, and occasionally what can be described as a proper journal entry.

I can barely feel Her. Like there is this thick wall between us; with only the smallest of cracks to tell me She is still there.

I feel a weight on my chest; like something has latched on and refuses to let go. Perhaps it is the cause?

Perhaps Velsharoon's curse is more persistent than we gave it credit for. Yeto will live. Buppi will live. I have no intentions to die.

But what can I do? Every time I try to channel my goddess to aid me I feel a terrible pain like a vise upon my heart, shooting sharp pain down my chest, shoulders, and arms; down those black marks.

So desperate was I, to keep his breath upon this mortal plane, that I did not properly consider my actions; using myself as a path to pull the negative energy from his body and into my holy symbol. Ironic it is, that the gift from Elwood's courtship would find it's end this way.

I don't know what happened after that, I lost consciousness and faded in and out since. I remember Buppi was dying from a wound, Jacob and Angela were there. I think I called on them. Yes, I did. I called for them.

Yeto woke up; we talked a little. Nothing from Buppi yet. We need to talk, the three of us. Compare notes. We all have blank spots in our memories on what happened, getting a single cohesive narrative will be good.

I don't know if I should tell them. What can they do? What can I do? The curse on Yeto was bound to that crystal in his hand and the statue. But this one?

I think it's attached to my soul.

I don't know what to do.

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Re: From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Tue Dec 19, 2017 9:19 am

It never gets any easier.

"You're going to die"
"You have maybe a year to live."
"Comfort measures"
"Living will"
"Care directives"
"Prognosis"


All so cold and clinical, yet I find myself using them every time, because there are no other words to use. Watching the hope fade from someone's face, watching their loved ones trying to understand, grieving before the patient is even gone, watching them go numb as they flounder through the necessary discussions.

I know it's hard for them, it's hard for me as well. There is no truly kind way to tell someone they are dying, and there are times where I wonder if it would not just be kinder to lie to them; let them live their lives normally until they succumb. But that is not right, I do not have that right. I am a doctor, a Priestess, even if my connection is presently thin. I will tell them the truth, and try to help them as they make preparations for the inevitable.

"Everyone dies, but you know when your clock is going to run out; make the most of it."

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Re: From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Thu Feb 01, 2018 12:15 pm

Chest hurts. Breathing hurts. My heart hurts. It's easier to just call it cardiac arrest. The truth is too complicated.

I'm slipping, I used to have my emotions more in hand. It's important. I have to maintain control.

I have to remain calm; always.

....
.......
I feel bad for those I have to do chest compressions on. It's good to still be alive but this really does feel miserable.

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Re: From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Thu Feb 01, 2018 12:16 pm

They're on talking terms; I'd almost given up hope on it being possible. He's making magnificent progress; he's trying.

I'm proud of him, now we just need to show the world what he can be.

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Re: From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Thu Feb 01, 2018 12:17 pm

*The writing begins calm, but each line grows more scrawled*

Not again

Not again Not again Not again

Not again Not again Not again Not again Not again Not again
Not again Not again Not again Not again Not again Not again Not again Not again Not again

I tried so hard... We all did.

It's not fair.




I hate my job sometimes.

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Re: From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Wed Feb 07, 2018 12:46 pm

More often than not, I hate being wrong.

But there are times being wrong is the sweetest gift I can ever receive.

And, Gods, is it sweet.

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Re: From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Thu Mar 22, 2018 6:40 am

So, I'm bedridden again, Jacob's orders. I am slowly beginning to lose my mind from boredom, so I'm going to write in here what led me to be in this state, broken sternum, possible heart damage, weakness, exhaustion.

I should start dating these little 'journal' entries, too. So today is 7-24-138 A.R.

I've tried to confide in people on what happened, but everyone keeps saying it isn't my fault. I disagree. While I certainly don't carry the full blame, I feel this may not have happened if I had just kept my temper in check, or been a bit smarter.

I can't explain everything, even in a journal no one else may ever read-I can't run the risk of writing it on paper.

I'll explain what I can.

For reasons, I had to ask a favor [well, I didn't HAVE to. I chose to.], a BIG favor, from someone; a friend of mine. The favor's reason was something that I was sworn to secrecy about; I was only allowed to tell them because I was given permission. Out of necessity, we had to involve another in it. Eventually, we made an agreement and they began to help me do this favor.

I'm mostly mad at myself, because we could have gone to a more secluded alternate location to do it, but instead we opted for a more close by, albeit public, location. I should have voiced my concerns, I feel if I had, this wouldn't have happened.

Anyway, Jadoth witnessed the event. I didn't realize he'd paid much attention to it and I left quickly after it was done to complete my task in this matter. It wasn't until later I discovered that they [I say 'they', but it was just one of the two] lied to him before admitting that they just couldn't say.

Now, I love Jadoth. I do. I asked him to be my son years ago but he refused me, yet I still hold that hope. But he has this habit of openly bad-mouthing people he dislikes. Unfortunately, my actual son, Buppi, is high on that list. Jadoth seems to take some sort of pleasure in constantly bashing him every single chance he can. Every time Buppi comes up, or something related to him. A couple of times Jadoth just brought him up for no reason I could discern.

Because of this, he decided that Buppi was the evil mastermind behind a non-existent scheme, demonizing him and assuming his involvement because of my own. I don't know what evidence he thinks he has to support this.

I understand Buppi has done bad things. I understand that he used to be verbally abusive, violent. But Jadoth hasn't been the picture of perfect behavior either.

Yet Buppi is the one with the terrible lingering reputation, despite having shown more growth and emotional maturity in just two years than the entire time I've known Jadoth.

I digress. Jadoth seems to make it a hobby of his to badmouth Buppi. I respect Jadoth's right to dislike him, to be unhappy with him. It's okay if he does! But all I want is for him to stop speaking ill of him in-front of me, because of COURSE I'm going to defend him, just like I would defend Jadoth, Lacroix, Jacob, or Angela.

I hate Vance. I hate that cyricist with every fiber of my being; I genuinely believe I will struggle to fight the urge to try to shoot the man if I see him again. He is evil, a manipulator, a killer... but I know Jadoth is close to him; he believes that he can be redeemed and finds comfort in his company.

And, as much as I hate Vance. I respect Jadoth's feelings. I hate Vance, but because I know openly speaking ill of him in-front of Jadoth would upset him, I don't. I consider Jadoth's feelings, emotions, and friendships.
I expressed my grievances about Vance to Jadoth once, perhaps twice. And after that never brought him up around Jadoth. When Vance comes up, I keep my silence when Jadoth is around, so I don't cause unneeded stress to him by making him have to defend someone he cares about. I don't actively try to bring him up around Jadoth.
Because I love Jadoth and don't like to upset him, or make him stressed, or make him feel guilty or wrong for having the friends he does....

I just wish Jadoth gave me the same courtesy. He says such horrible things. I do not deny that Buppi has done problematic things, said or done something hurtful or morally ambiguous. Even Buppi doesn't deny this. But all Jadoth sees is some irredeemable little monster who spies, spreads rumors, manipulates, and uses people.

Buppi tends not to walk out in the open, be it a defense mechanism, comfort, or just how he's used to going around, I know not. Countless times he's appeared beside me, concealed, just to hold my hand while I was surrounded by others in casual conversation in a public place. Jadoth will, sometimes with little noticeable prompting, use a true sight spell and heavens forbid Buppi be present, because we will never hear the end of it. I have witnessed him announce his presence loudly, warning others to not say anything secret while he was around.

In what universe is this behavior okay?!


--- --- ---
*There is a space, based on the writing it's likely the writer was using a different pen.*

I riled myself up writing that, I needed to take a break after I snapped my pen in half. I'm just so frustrated. I don't know what I can do anymore. I asked Jadoth what Buppi could do to prove he isn't what he claims he is, and Jadoth just said for him to show him. But how is Buppi supposed to do that if the teeth and claws come out the second he so much as smells a hin? Buppi has stated he really doesn't care what Jadoth says or thinks anymore, but he knows the strain this is causing me so he's being supportive and willing to try to address it.

I had a point and I began to ramble...Right.


So after coming to this conclusion, he sends Buppi a runner in regards to it. Confused, I wind up asking someone involved about it and I'm informed about Jadoth's 'deduction'.

Another thing that Jadoth tends to do, and this has been a thing since the Radiant heart was threatening the tower, is go on about how Buppi is my lord and master, that I'm his slave, that I don't have my own opinions, etc. Basically, he says that I don't have my own mind, my own heart, my own will, or my own opinions.

That hurts the most.


Buppi and I both agree that, during the time of the Radiant's inquisition, our relationship was not a healthy one and that he was mistreating me terribly. It wasn't until we'd parted ways as friends and Gorudan [That man is a gift from the gods, he is.] smacked some sense into him that he realized his error and he begged my forgiveness. Naturally, I did, and we were closer than ever, his treatment of me vastly improved. Any traces of his past behaviors were non-existent.

But, Jadoth sees what he wants to see, and I guess he's convinced that the treatment continues and that I'm some mindless thrall. It's evident in how he talks to me, how he treats me. He stopped letting me close because he couldn't trust that Buppi wasn't spying or something...

I rambled again.

So when I was informed of Jadoth's involvement by the person I asked about the runner, they also told me that Jadoth had made a comment akin to "Snow's Lord and Master must have made her do it".

Of course, that upset me greatly. Not only is he falsely accusing Buppi for something he didn't do with barely any evidence outside of his own false deductions, but he also decided to call me a mindless thrall to boot.

...

So when he tried to ask me directly I was, understandably, in bad humor, so I spoke harshly. To Jadoth's credit, he never raised his voice or grew visibly angry, but he still spoke unkindly to me.

He asked about what he witnessed, and why he was lied to. Admittedly, I drew first blood; I replied with something akin to "Not because Buppi did X".

Not an exact quote, but again, I have to omit some things.

In reply he asks "Then why". I told him the truth; that I wasn't allowed to divulge why. I assured him it wasn't due to a lack of trust, but that I had sworn secrecy to another. I couldn't tell him if I wanted to, because I keep my word. I haven't even told Lacroix.

He replied that there was only one person he could think of that fit the criteria for his imagined crime and would use me as a messenger, and that was Buppi.

Frustrated, I replied harshly again, explaining to him that no one was forced to do anything, no one was obligated to do anything. I told him I had asked a favor that I intended on paying back. At this point I began going off again, quoting his past words. "But apparently I don't have free will, I just submit to my 'Lord and Master'."

He didn't respond to that, which is good, but he kept asking why what he witnessed happened, ignoring the fact I had stated I was not allowed to say.

We kept getting interrupted by people on the Cordor street, so we moved. when the talk started again, he immediately asked once more what was going on, ignoring the fact I had stated twice I could not say.

I began to explain what I could. That what he witnessed, and the reasons behind it, were supposed to be kept secret. The fact it was done in a semi-public place was a mistake.

I get that far and he asks again, "What is going on?" and then shortly after, ignoring what explanation I was in the middle of trying to give him, to ask something to the effect of "Is Buppi threatening you?"

Already, he has heard my replies to his questions more than once, and ignored them and asked again as though my reply was going to change. I was already frustrated, but this earned more of my ire and I snapped at him that I wasn't.

He replied "sorry for being concerned", at which I apologized for snapping, and explained that I was growing tired of him always demonizing Buppi, and acting like I don't have free will, and so weak minded that I can't do things of my own volition.

From what I can tell, he ignores me and just begins saying to think logically, who could make such a demand of me what I'd agree with, and meet all these other criteria to an imagined crime.

I told him again that no one made demands. No one was being threatened. That I asked the favor for myself, and that they had every right to decline it.

He then says that I haven't answered one of his questions which, surprise,

I did.
A few times.

I tell him again that no, I'm not being threatened or demanded from or anything, nor was anyone else. I tell him again that I had made a request.

He tells me [again] one of the people involved lied to his face. I tell him I'm sorry they did that; that I had not asked them to lie, that they should have just told him what I told him, that we were sworn to secrecy.

I told him that him evening knowing what he knew was a security breach.

He replied with "Whats hilarious is that if I had just been told the truth, this wouldn't be a security breach" and that it was "Even more proof that my suspicions are correct."

I was so tired, so upset. I was being run in circles. Ignored, accused, insulted. He claimed he cared, but it seemed more like he was upset he wasn't in the loop.

I tried to end the discussion, told him that he wasn't going to get the answers he wanted from me, because I was sworn to secrecy, and I wouldn't confirm his accusations [because they were false, obviously.]

I tried to explain why it was important the number of people in the know were kept low, that it would be safer and only those directly involved should know anything.

To which he replied something akin to "Be a good girl and keep your head in the sand. Just obey obey obey." as though keeping my word was somehow a bad thing. I had made a promise.

I do NOT.
BREAK.
MY PROMISES.


I do not give my Word lightly.

*It appears that "word" was notably capitalized and underlined twice*

At that point I snapped. I completely lost my temper. I can't remember half of what I said but I know little of it was kind or productive. I said something that made him begin to leave, I told him I was sick of his attitude. I said something about him not being able to accept everyone won't tell him everything. I know I sarcastically said I'm sorry for not breaking my oath and telling him everything he was demanding.

His reply was that "Oath" was just another Buppi word.

More haze, more anger. More things I can't remember, but I just know I was yelling.

I think I tried to tell him that I was upset he was ignoring everything I was trying to tell him. That he ignored all of my answers because they weren't the ones he wanted to hear. He went on how he was [equally sarcastically] sorry he wasn't a meek obedient good boy who would believe everything he's told...

I just wanted him to believe me when I say that Buppi is innocent, that I'm not his thrall, that nothing is being held over my head, or any of the things Jadoth seems convinced he does...

More words exchanged. I raised my voice again.

The next-and last- thing I remember is him dropping the book of drawings and the plush toy cat I made specifically for him on the ground in-front of me as he said "Just remember, none of this would have happened if I was only told the truth."

I said something, I'm not sure what but I'm pretty sure it wasn't nice. He apologized for not being Buppi, as though that's something I wanted out of him.

The nothing. I wake up, apparently hours and hours later in a room with Jacob, Lacroix, and Buppi.

I was so upset my condition reacted, those veins closed around my heart and lungs again. Jacob had a hell of a time fending them back, wound up having to resuscitate me. That explained why my chest felt like an orc's river-dance stage.


If I have my way, I'd be trying to find Jadoth, to desperately try to fix this, to hell with my own feelings... It's not a healthy way to think. I should have the right to be angry that he hurts me, that he's inconsiderate. I should be able to tell him what he's doing wrong by me, but I feel like if I tried to confront him, I'd just find myself groveling for forgiveness, because I love him that much and the thought of losing him makes my chest burn.

So because of that, I have given away that authority. Jacob presently has complete say over my care, including when or if I'm allowed to see Jadoth again.

Presently, I am not allowed to see Jadoth, which made heading to the mercantile a few nights later to sign off on the shop a bit more of a nightmare than it was already going to be due to my condition. Apparently he saw me, according to Yeto. I don't know if he said anything, or what he thought...


Happier notes, now.

A lot of people have visited me. Lacroix is by my side, as always; I'm grateful to have him. Yeto came by, so did the twins, Scarlett and Jasper. Even Gorudan came by, though I'm unsure if it was a coincidence or if he was informed on my condition.

I'm quite bored, but between visits, sleeping, and limping about the clinic when no one is looking, I've managed to avoid going completely insane. Trying to avoid thinking about stressful things.

Scarlett charged in at one point and demanded Buppi come talk to her. It seemed really important, so I told him to go. I'd be okay. He'll tell me when he gets back, I'm sure.

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Re: From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Thu Mar 22, 2018 6:49 am

Date: 7-26-138 A.R.

Buppi's not come back yet, I wonder if something happened.

I was thinking about Scarlett, too. When she first found out how this happened [Thank you, Yeto, for your more-detailed-than-I'd-have-rathered explanation.] I could see the burning fury and rage inside of her.

She demanded to know who caused this. Naturally, I refused to reveal who. It was evident that she was going to lash out at whomever I named, [Buppi also wanted to go after Jadoth, but took it upon himself to know I wouldn't want that and kept himself in check] and I don't want to see Jadoth hurt. He's suffered enough, he doesn't need an army of murder-hin kicking his door down.

But a question she asked is lingering.

"Did they know about your condition, that they were doing to you?"

I told Jadoth almost as soon as I found out myself. He was one of the first...

He knew.

Did he forget in the heat of the moment? Or did he not care?

This question is eating me. Feels a little better to write it down. I'll try to stop asking it.

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Re: From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Thu May 03, 2018 1:11 am

*A letter is pasted inside the journal*
Dearest Snow,

Thank you for sending me here! The trip was mostly uneventful, and it has been a true joy to be wandering again. I've even started writing poetry again, which I've included some for you. I arrived a couple days ago and they gave me the ring the same day, I've been welcomed. It's been nice. I had my first meeting with Herberus today as well... Well, we'll talk about that another day.

I went down to the village today to sell some of the goods I brought from Arelith and to shop around. There is a small shop here that sells the best chicken sandwiches I have ever had. I'm going to see if I can get the recipe and make you one when I am home.

Give the family my love,
Yeto Emil

Got a letter from Yeto, which is wonderful! I sent him to the temple without much forethought, so I'm glad it's going well. I wrote him a reply already, sent it. I made a rough copy that I'll tack in here.

*Another letter is pasted below*
My Brother, Yeto,

I'm thrilled things are going so well for you! I knew the branch family would take to you with little fuss, and anyone from the main family who may have held objection are long since gone, leaving only our mutual sibling. What are they like in person? Has Galila come to take a peek at the newest addition?

Arelith is Arelith. Jasper and Saelys got engaged and went to the mainland to get married. I'm a little upset with him about it; said he'd be on the island for a couple months still, and would make sure Buppi and I could see him off. Next thing I know he was gone a few weeks later. I've forwarded your letter for him, so he'll get it. Scarlett is still on the island, though Mabel recently left as well. Only Highfens left are Scarlett and Alice now, though Buppi isn't exactly Alice's number one fan. He speaks a language all his own and unfortunately, to the non-fluent, it just comes out as "I'm a butthead". He's getting better about his phrasing, but there will always be those who don't care.

Cordor is still on fire, though less so than normal. Augustin Disk is Chancellor now, and I have high hopes for him. He's the first chancellor I've seen that I've had genuine faith in. Seel was Guard commander but his conduct was a bit questionable, so when Augustin came into power, he suspended him pending investigation. To which Seel immediately began shouting that Agustin was corrupt. I feel bad for Astra, that behavior is going to effect her as well. I guess he's back as part of the Hawkin' again? I don't know. Regardless. I plan on helping support Agustin as much as I possibly can. The last thing I want is for him to burn out on the job like everyone else.

Myon is quiet, I've not seen Zathlan recently, though I'm partially to blame. I've not done another sermon. I need to write one and perform it. I think I'm somewhat hesitant because of a couple bits of criticisms on the last one. Myon's Archmage just scorned my inclusion of non-elves; Nehala specifically. Jadoth was the other, calling it "cultish". Though Jadoth scorns his Tel'Quessir blood, I doubt anything I do would make him comfortable with my sermons. Sometimes it feels like I need to scrape and claw to get much positive feedback from him.

Brogendenstien is still Brogendenstien. Gorudan is the Thane's Right hand. I cannot recall the official title, though I know I'd be unable to spell it if I could. He's also stepped down from his paladin vows, something of which Falgrim has not taken well. Honestly, I'm unhappy about it as well. He said he felt the vows weren't really /his/, and that he felt he could protect those he cares about better without them, but... He broke promises of faith. It doesn't sit well with me. Still, he's family to me. He's a fool, but I care and I'll stand by him regardless. He's going to give me an ulcer, though.

Meriam Fuzzypaw is mayor of Bendir, and is pregnant with triplets! It's exciting, though I'm a bit worried. Single births can be more than some mothers can take. Triplets? Gods protect. Still, she'd not approached me directly for any prenatal care. Just asked for some books. I might talk to her about it.

Guldorand is still controlled by Brogendenstien; purportedly the Thane had made an agreement with Rannos to release Guld when it was stable? It's been stable for a while. I've already stated my concerns and they're becoming more and more realized. Alice is Mayor there, though! So it's doing well. She's changed a lot though. When I first met her, she was more docile, pacifist in conduct. She's much scrappier now, willing to throw down. It's not a bad change. It's just different.

That's all I can think of to ramble about right now. I look forward to your next letter! I'd include a parcel of cookies I made, but it's best not. Not because they'd not survive the trip, because I think they would in this state.

I tried doing those conversions, but I think I made it worse somehow. At least the first batch was approaching edible. I think these are more appropriate as sling ammo.

Love: Snow Emil-Sudentan


P.S. I included one anyway. Call it a science experiment. Tell me how it kept! [Though perhaps maybe you shouldn't taste it. For your own sake.]

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Re: From the medical Journal of Doctor Emil

Post by TheOpticalMouse » Fri Jun 29, 2018 4:22 am

He's dead, and I feel nothing.

Or...I feel something, but it's dull, like someone or something screaming with meters and meters of dense cloth between us.

He hadn't been feeling well.

I couldn't find anything wrong.

"Just Exhaustion"

I don't know what was wrong.

I still don't.

I couldn't figure it out. I can't. I don't know.

I don't know.

He said he loved me, I said I loved him too. I kissed him good night, and finalized the handbooks while he slept.

Buppi and I split up to deliver them, I was in the tower when he suddenly summoned me to him outside Bendir.

What happened after is mostly a haze, I found a prototype cure, I know that.

None of it really matters.

As I was away facing down Doctor Death...

He died in his sleep.

He's gone. Like that, he's gone. I wasn't with him. It had been a couple hours before I got to him.

I've split his ashes in three parts. One to his parents. One to me, for a small pendant. And one to Buppi, who plans to memorialize him in Knight's Rest.



I don't feel anything.
Maybe its for the best.
If I could feel, I'd probably be dead.

There is research to do and a plague to stop, I can die after.

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