Journal of the Rising Moon

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Gods_Kill_People
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Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:00 am

* A newer journal with the symbol of Lathander on the cover, and....purple glitter lining the paper, likely the effect of the magic quill used to write in the book*

This is my first attempt at writing truly with this quill, it can apparently take my words, and write them properly on paper since I cannot get things to look like they are supposed to or make it even legible when I write it. Astra gave it to me and has been teaching me to use it for important writings like this, and reports and such. The rest she says I have to do for myself.

My writing does advance, even if it looks very childish at times. Astra says it looks like its getting better but I can't really tell. Its hard to honestly believe that its been a year since I actually left slavery. My bond with Jadoth continues to grow stronger and stronger, a brotherly bond though some have pointed out that my obsession with Jadoth is very unhealthy, but I don't really care, I will do anything to protect him.

I joined the Wardens, not out of some great desire to join the Tower and its members, but to prevent my own exile from it and to keep close to Jadoth. Thulk would have continued fighting my stay here otherwise and it was clearly upsetting Jadoth to have to be contending against him to protect me constantly, though at the same time, the tables have turned, and now I am protecting Jadoth from Thulk. Strange how these things work though.

There are strange people in my life that I will list here, people that capture my attention more then others and its a curious thing, since some of them, I don't quite know how I feel about. I can give words I was taught up here, yet I am not entirely sure of their actual meaning to me as a person.

Jadoth Dawnfire - A brother, a friend and a close companion, I trust him fully heart and soul, there is nothing I won't do to protect him and I know I will kill anyone that tries to harm him. More then a few have come very close to that and they are lucky that either Jad told me not to, or I wasn't there to see it. Some are still border lining that I think.

Astra Starlock - I...*the quill hesitates here* the word I was given by others is "Love" and I think they are right, I love her. I honestly look forward to going to reverie, even if I do not find reverie, just so I can open my eyes to her beside me. The feeling I get of her beside me is something I don't fully understand, the warmth, the feeling of safety, the trust. She has become a guiding light for me, thus the nickname I gave her of the Morning Star. She has no true idea how much she helps me, even when she doubts herself, she has done more then most will ever know or realize.

Thulk - A slave....even if hes the Head Warden, he has the slave mindset. Obedience and rules and a set way, that's all he really knows. He is still more broken then the Archmages realize and that makes him very dangerous. He still see's titles like Master, Mistress and Head Wardens as a title that MUST be respected, that it grants him the respect of every single person. The problem is....it really doesn't, respect is something earned not given automatically by a title. The title is respected not the person. Something I need to bring to Jacobs attention urgently I fear. Sad its in writing this I have come to realize it. Had I sooner, perhaps a lot of this might have been prevented.

Jacob Swift - One of the Archmages of the Tower and a very powerful figure and one I am still torn about how I feel about him. On one hand, he has done a number of surgeries to save my life and improve my general health and appearance, on the other hand, he also perhaps in a moment of weakness and fear, threatened to do me more harm and bring me more pain then any other could have if anything happened to Jadoth in the Underdark. I have forgiven him for it, he was man enough to apologize and know he was wrong, but I cannot forget that he said it. That for a brief time, he was no different then the Drow I had just escaped from. Part of me though, still trusts him, I try to look past the mistakes because I know I am not perfect either. A true mystery on how things will turn out with him.

Snow Emil - If I had to choose someone as a Mother figure, it would likely be her. I of course have no actual family, and I don't expect anyone to actually want me in their family lives....except maybe Astra...one day, but she acts like one. Protective, commanding (in a good way), caring and such. She saved my life, scolds me when I am doing something stupid...and genuinely listens to my concerns. If she and Lacroix have a child, that will be a very lucky child indeed.

Dilir - Dilir was the one that suggested a Dream Journal and writing out the story of my past with Astra, he has left the isle to go home once and for all, but he has left me a sense of freedom and hope. I will miss him greatly and I hope where his is, he is safe and happy.

Jantira - A strange surface elf, very strange indeed. He often takes the form of a bat and meows, yet he has become one of my closer friends and business partners. We work our shops together and often work as a team in training. He is an unusual sort but I wouldn't change him for the world. I hope he remains as he is.

For now though, Astra and Jad prepare to head to Cordor and of course, I follow them constantly, so the writing must stop for now. I will write again soon.

Yorn.

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:01 pm

I sit here writing in this clinic, a place I have been more times as a patient then as a visiting guest, must have donated at least seventy thousand here for all the grief and struggle I put Dr Emil through as her patient and I often wonder if she gets sick of seeing me. Patient or not. Watching the familial bond she and Jacob have with Jadoth, I couldn't help but admit to Astra last night feeling a tad jealous, though I don't think Astra understood. She has always had family, even if hers were distant, she still has a brother, a mother and a father. I can only watch from the outside and wonder what such a thing is like. To have those that love you so much, they will do anything for you, they will be there no matter what, and its truly unconditional. People with family can't look from the inside out to what an orphan feels, but we can look in, we can watch someone eat a meal together as a family, and wonder what it must be like to sit with them, to laugh and joke about it as though its just natural. The way it should be. For me at least...I do not know that feeling. Family is something I have never had. Slaves don't have families and if they do, their Masters soon tear them apart, using threats of pain on other family members to break them faster and more viciously. Perhaps I was lucky in some way to never know mine.

Though a part of me wonders if my mother....the one I can still hear scream in my nightmares as the Priestess carries me away, I wonder if shes alive, and if she was....would it really matter? Would she want one as damaged as I am as her child? Did she have other children before she was brought down there? Do I have siblings? A father perhaps? Something I will never likely know. You would think such wouldn't weigh down on the mind, yet for me its soul crushing because I cannot know. I am forever alone without family. When I told Astra, she said "You have me" but is that the same? She is my girlfriend, but does that make us family?

When we spoke of me finally changing my name, she mentioned me taking a last name too, I told her I only knew two ways of taking a name, being adopted into a house, which...I already realistically know, no one is gonna want to adopt me, realistically I am more broken and damaged then most will ever realize, or through marriage. Astra got really nervous of such a thing, its not something she wants to discuss or look at, so thats out of the question too. So again, family isn't gonna happen. To her a last name is just something to identify you by, like six men named Gabe but ones a blacksmith, ones a baker, ones a farmer and so on. For me though, a last name symbolizes family, where you come from, who your family is, who loves you. After all, they loved you enough to give you their last name didn't they?

More people of curiosity for me now that I am not busy a moment.

Kera Nutcracker - Mayor of Bendir and a close friend, I have made her several Masterly Damaskan Weapons at this point at a heavily reduced price, sat and spoken with her for hours and she has even gone out of her way to recruit me to Bendirs Hawkin, though it seems Fibbs doesn't really want me in the Hawkin, he intends a new branch of the Hawkin so that the purist ideals that seems to run for some won't be hurt. He spoke of Tradition and such but I think he ignored what I said that in some cases, especially older ones they hurt more then they help. I dont think he cared much about my opinion. I am not a hin after all, just an outsider non earth kin that is sticking his nose into their business. Kera though, she cares a lot, always makes me feel welcome in Bendir, very friendly and all around good person. More should strive to be like her.

May - A ball of insanity wrapped up in depression wrapped up in insecurity. That is the best way I can truly describe May. She tries so hard...too hard I think, to make friends and to be trusted and seems to stumble her way through everything. Shes an okay person, she just needs to stop whining long enough for people to actually tolerate her, I keep trying to help her cause I know shes struggling, but there are days I just cannot tolerate her nonsense and just walk away and lock myself away from everyone.

Illia Reinbach - A very old friend, perhaps the oldest one I have. I would not classify her as a "Good" person, but I would call her a good friend. She doesn't so much judge a person as make you look into yourself and see how you could be a better person. I admire her passion and strength. Her willingness to help even when she wants to just be lazy. Many see her as an evil monster that must be vanquished. I see her as someone that just doesn't really care and prefers to just sit back and watch. Even if the world burns around her.

Andy and Alex - My neighbors next door in Greyhammer. Alex got himself in a lot of trouble and when I stood in to help and represent Bendir as Andy was seen more as a part of the problem, Andy got really offended. Of course I'm not a hin so I guess I shouldn't bother trying to help in those situations too, but in reality, I could see why Theoros didn't want Andy in there while he was trying to get control of the entire situation. Besides, I agree that Alex was foolish in throwing away his Wardstone. I don't get what he was trying to prove in that other then he wanted to get Amras fired, which he succeeded in. Just thinking of this brings back the headache. The have twin children and I find that a blessing, larger families are lovely things for sure. I hope she is happy with her family no matter what.

I feel Astra stirring beside me, its time to put this away and focus on her. Who knows what will come of the day. Perhaps I will finish Caiges order tomorrow and start Kera's next order, a Masterly Damaskan Battle Axe. Note to self, find more Adamanatium soon. Stock is getting dangerously low.

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Tue Nov 28, 2017 3:51 am

What's in a name, why do they hold so much meaning over our lives, why does a name bring happiness, sorrow, anger, disgrace or even hatred? My name for instance...Yorn, translates in Xanalress to "Servant of Lolth". Many elves hate my name, looking down on me with disgust, those that don't know are likely lucky in their ignorance. Today though, a change has occurred, someone rather then looking at me in disgust, decided to fix it.

Cael'ean - Also known as Arrow Rider, we became close friends very quickly when we met a few tendays back. Hes a ranger but is very civil. Today he brought Xell with him, an elven druid in the form of a Wolf. He has very soft fur....anyways. Today he introduced me to Xell as Moonrise, or in elven translation Seel'Melaa, which he told me he named me for being able to rise above the drow as a moon elf, even with everything they put me through. I will soon be making that name official and tossing aside Yorn forever.

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Tue Nov 28, 2017 11:29 pm

Slavery - a condition compared to that of a slave in respect of exhausting labor or restricted freedom.

A definition I have known all my life. Jadoth promised freedom from such a life, one free of the collar and strife, free from chains that bind us down. Am I really free? Or did I just change from one collar to another, the only difference being who holds the leash. Elise held it at one time, when Jadoth assured me freedom was the better choice. Down there I could do nearly no wrong so long as I followed her plans and schemes, sure disobeying was a quick lashing, it would hurt for a while, but then they would move on and it would be over. I was free to do as I wished so long as my service to her was perfect. Now, I am less free then I ever was.

Thulk doesn't use a collar, he doesn't need to. He uses a Wardstone and my access to Jadoth as the biggest threat. He knows he has me beaten simply by threatening my access to Jadoth. Each threat of denial is worse then a thousand lashings as I am forced to cower at his feet and plead his mercy. I will do what is needed to stay close to Jadoth, but...Jadoth is correct, I accepted one collar for another. Angela of course sides with Thulk. She will never see him as doing wrong. Thulk knows it too. He can do anything he wants...he could likely choose to beat me, and they would side with him if he could come up with a decent answer for them that sounds pleasing to her ears.

It doesn't matter though, as long as Jadoth stays safe. Thulk is trying to break him as he did me, I won't let him. I will protect Jadoth as best I can, he is no ones slave and I won't let him become....well....me. So broken that even a half orc can dominate him. Angela tells me it will be discussed among the Archmages and Thulk, and its sad the only one I have confidence in within that meeting...will be Jacob. Lissa already sides with Thulk and Angela, and Angela already sides with the brute, so I expect nothing from them short of them kissing his arse even further. My only true hope is Jacob. Even back under the threat of death, he always seems the more reasonable.

As for this new collar, I don't know what I am going to do next, taking it off means being cast out, away from Jadoth and losing my closeness with him, keeping it on, I just continue to accept I am forever his slave. I cannot win here. For all I have gained here, I still sometimes question weather or not it was truly worth it. For in some sense, I have lost much more freedom up here, then I ever lost down there. In that....I am truly alone.

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Fri Dec 01, 2017 10:23 am

Obsession - a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling

Where does the line between Friendship and Obsession cross? It was a word that was used to describe my relationship with Jadoth. I was asked once if I see him in one of three ways. A lover which was a firm no, but when it came to a brother or father, I couldn't answer. Perhaps in some ways, Jadoth fulfills both rolls. Is it not a fathers job to teach? Is it not a brothers job to protect? Does someones age compared to yours change weather or not someone fulfills specific rolls?

I want to deny these claims...I want to fight that I am not obsessed with Jadoth or that our friendship is nothing more, but I cannot. The protectiveness I have of him, the desire to keep him safe from all harm, the care and concern I have for him and the feelings that come from the thought of anyone harming him ever...challenges that immensely. I care a lot more from him then I do myself, there's little I wouldn't give up to see him safe. I know Jadoth is protective of me too, though I don't think to the very same level. Then again...he did submit to slavery to see me freed.

Am I obsessed? Maybe, they said that its because I have never known the feeling of being cared for. Now that I do, I have latched onto it and don't ever wanna lose it. I cannot say their wrong either.

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:56 am

Fear - be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

I have felt fear many times in my life, but nothing as bad as today when I speedied for Astra unable to find her, and for several hours, I got no answer at all. My heart sunk as the terrors of the memories of Drow hunting her creeped through my mind, and as much as I didn't possibly want to believe it. I waited and waited and the panic got worse and worse, Zathlan seeing my distress asked me what was wrong, and I told him about Astra and the drow, he scried her for me saying she was in a house with Jad and another elf, but the fear remained, I ran to her house to check, but she wasn't there either. Zathlan apparently speedied her in that time and told her I was distressed.

The relief I felt at her return was immense, the fear quickly fading as my heart came out of my stomach. I wasn't even upset at all by her news she nearly killed herself in drinking, far more relieved she wasn't in the hands of drow or worse. I pray I never feel that again, it was worse then anything ever before. Either way, I will do everything I can to keep her safe. I have already forgiven her too.

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Thu Dec 14, 2017 12:51 pm

Community - a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals. (( Warning, darker content))

What is a community? Is it a set of a specific race that all follow one goal? Is it like Myon where only elves can join? What about when your an outcast to them too? I thought I had community with Bendir, I thought I found a place to fit in, a place that was home where I had everything I desired...family, friends, a place in the community...and for a tenday, I did. Kera promoted me to Sherrif of the Hawk'in, an honor by Bendirs society and I even told the Tower I was gonna retire as a Warden to focus on Bendir....only for the new Mayor to immediately strip me of it tonight.

I won't even lie, it hurt worse then any beating or lashing I ever took under drow, Elise has been right, and its gotten impossible to see beyond the darkness at this point. She told me I would never truly be welcomed as any part of a community, that they would just build me up, just to knock me back down. She was right. Even beyond the grave she mocks me. I can hear her laughing even now and honestly...I just want it all to end. I want the pain to end...the lies, the games...everything. Why do I still have to suffer in silence? Perhaps the question..even as I look down upon my own blade tonight in these dark thoughts....How long till I choose to make it stop?

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Sat Dec 16, 2017 1:34 am

Murderer - a person who commits murder; a killer.

Today I became what I feared, a monster. Did I do it on purpose, no never, I would never take an innocents life willingly. Yet that doesn't change the fact that someone is dead because of me today. Two slavers showed up in Guldorand, likely both Thayvians that lived in Sibayad and had a slave in tow, when they went to leave, I killed them both, and somewhere along the line, I killed him too. I tried to raise him, so did Jadoth, but he wouldn't come back. It didn't take more then a few seconds for people to start pointing at me as a killer of the slave, and my heart and soul sank like a rock in the deepest waters.

I picked him up after destroying the females remains, Jadoth having destroyed the males, and took him to be buried expecting Jadoth and Astra at least to follow...but I was completely alone to bury him. I offered prayers to Lathander, but after murdering an innocent, I don't know if he heard me, I offered him my apologies, then buried him and sat alone for three hours. Then Astra showed up, no one else even cared enough to check on me, so I believe they truly think me a heartless monster. I wrote a confession to the crime and left it for the Earl and such to find. Spoke to Lu Layla Zane too, and they tried to convince me it wasn't my fault, but I know it was.

Maybe their right, maybe I do seek punishment for my crime, one that I know I am guilty of. I deserve it though don't I? I killed an innocent man, and no amount of apologies is going to bring him back. All he wanted was his voice...all he got for it, was death. Astra used magic to clean the blood from my hands after I had buried him....but I still see it....

Seel'Melaa.

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Tue Dec 26, 2017 11:29 am

Grief - deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.

How does one grieve the death of a close friend or loved one? Especially so suddenly. Me and Alara had our differences of opinions, but I never wanted to truly have her gone. Her death is the first to truly hit me so profoundly and it has taken me nearly three tenday to even begin to come to grips with the fact that I will never sit and talk with her again. I hate that I will never see her again and discuss so many things we stated before the fall out with Fe'dath.

Alara was the first to ever see me truly struggle, to break and to reach out for someone to help. Even Jadoth has not seen me that low yet. Astra has, but Alara was still truly the first. She was far too young to be taken away as she was, slavery has serious long term consequences that we cannot see, and it breaks my heart to say goodbye. At least I did speak to her on friendly terms one last time. I would hate for our last argument to have been the very last time I spoke to her.

There has been a huge change in my life, though I cannot yet write or speak of it. Such has been asked of me to keep it under wraps for the time being. It feels strange but I will respect the request of the one asking and keep it to myself. Bella as her last act as an official of Guldorand has pardoned me for killing the slave, though I am not sure I agree with it. That single response of, "it was only a slave, they tend to be loyal to their master" while not meant as an insult, is like a brutal slap in the face. Why is my life more meaningful then theirs? Because I don't wear a collar anymore? I know in most cases the person would be ecstatic at such an outcome, yet I am not.

Met an elf named Sysy while talking with Wotan, and Teshil, we were discussing the Mythal and my personal opinion on it when Sysy decided to get offended and threatening. She started insulting me, calling me a tree hugger, a disgrace of an elf and unwelcomed in Myon. I in turn called her a drow kisser, that got under her skin rather fast and she came right atme, I drew my blade as she got in my face drawing hers and dared me to repeat it, I simply told her to go rot and she swung at me. I laid her low in a few swings. Then told her sister to take her body and raise her. I hate killing, but I will protect myself from an attacker. I doubt she will be so willing to cross blades with me again anytime soon.

For now, I wait for Caige to come get his newer wares I have finished, and see what else he has planned for me to make. Then back to bed, Astra won't like waking if I am not there beside her, and honestly, I don't like waking without her there either so, I can at least understand.

Signed: Sherrif of Bendir - Seel'Melaa

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:24 pm

Conflict of Interest - a situation in which the concerns or aims of two different parties are incompatible.

A conflict of interests is something I have constantly tried to avoid. When I joined the Wardens it was a conflict of interests because I only did so to stay closer to Jadoth. A crutch I have slowly outgrown and slowly grown more independent as time passed. When I moved to the Hawk'in as a Defender, I started questioning things, but I never knew if the position would last, so I held out. When I was promoted to Sheriff though, I knew instantly that my duties as a Warden and as the Sheriff would be in direct conflict if an issue arose between the Tower and Bendir. So I made a decision. I spoke privately with each of the Archmages and after getting approved to continue tower access I spoke to Thulk and officiated my retirement. Thulk took it very well and we have remained friends for it.

Now I sit here as Sheriff and often advising Kera going forward, and I have seen one directly that reminds me of the decision I had to make. Lorina, shes a good gnome, friendly, outgoing and enthusiastic. Problem being she doesn't know where to draw the line in the sand when it comes to obligations. I understand her wanting to help everyone, but her duties are constantly in conflict. A Tower Warden, an Alderkin, a Defender, A Mystran Knight, trying to help the Grotto, trying to help Terto, the Turret, trying to run events. These are far too many conflicts that cannot go hand in hand.

A decision had to be made, and it is one I made in the best interests of both her health and sanity. I have discharged her from the Hawk'in, and as I understand it, she will soon have to make other choices. As Kera stated, she has her fingers in far too many pies, and such thing is not safe nor healthy for anyone. I can only hope she takes the discharge well and accepts that she cannot be so many things to so many people realistically.

As to my own life, I continue to grow and change. Astra is pregnant and expecting twins, she was very shy about this at first and it took a fair bit of coercing on my part to get her to be excited about it. To realize it was alright and it was something to be happy about. I do not dare to tell her that this pregnancy terrifies me to my soul. I know nothing about children, have never associated with them. When I saw Kera's babies I locked up and didn't know what to do, Kera has enlisted me into mandatory childcare lessons for my own benefit, and maybe that's a good thing. We will have to pick out names soon. I haven't decided much yet. Name's are very confusing.

Signed: Sheriff Seel'Melaa

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:14 pm

The book is pulled from the dusty shelf, the dust blown from the cover after sitting for two years, a quill taken in hand as ink starts to line the pages.

It's been two years now since I last wrote in this journal, its hard to believe how much time has escaped me in all this but it seems recently I should try to update my notes at least. My heart and lungs failed again, but I think this time Jacob has managed to create a stable set that wont fail, it had some requirements I swore never to mention. With my failing health I quit the hawk-in rather then continue on that path and drag them down too. Kera was sad to see me go, told me if I wanted to come back there was a place for me for sure. I wound up staying in Cordor for months with my health on the edge, thank the gods Snow is an amazing doctor and Jacob is very skilled in almost everything he does.

After the surgery I was very weak, but I could at least breath, something of note for sure anyways. Though I found I had lapses in memory, I couldn't remember how to speak Xanalress or for that matter Undercommon. Yet I could understand Draconic? I also couldn't for the life of me remember how to blacksmith, and honestly, I don't think I could lift the hammer if my life depended on it. Jacob told me they had found a metal disc in my chest that had old markings on it as if nullifying magic that went inert the moment they removed it. Sounds like something the drow would do.

As I recovered Merry came by to visit regularly, she eventually brought me a Panther she had raised and personally trained in being more as a Personal Assistant/Therapy cat. I named her Twilight and soon after gained a writ from Lucien for her. Soon after I was allowed to travel. It was great to be out and about moving again, some freaked out about Twilight as I expected but having the writ I wasn't too worried. Then news came that hit me like a brick, Lucien had ended himself after a fight with Vashti, I am still coping from that, but needless to say it shattered me to the core. Losing him was worse then most can imagine for me.

Things have been quieter since Quentin took Chancellor, Nehala recently retired and left me as Lieutenant in her stead, though that day was a mess to end all messes, did not enjoy seeing one of our guards fired and charged with low treason, especially knowing he was gonna try to run for Chancellor and make Cordor better. I agree with Cev though, he doesn't have the empathy to run a city. Hes too easy to temper and even faster to lash out. I hope whatever he does next, he succeeds at. He has a good head, just not a good temper.

Alara and Alwin are growing strong, our twins were each named by one of us, I chose Alara to honor Alara in her memory. It has been hard sometimes to be a father, but I find myself enjoying the tasks. Still a bit terrifying sometimes though. Though I am glad to be here to witness it and watch them grow. For now though I must leave it at this, Alara's awake and starting to fuss. Perhaps I will take her and Alwin out to sit in the grass and explore.

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Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Tue Apr 03, 2018 12:16 am

Treason - Treason, sedition meaning disloyalty or treachery to one's country or its government.

I find myself sitting tonight pondering this word, this meaning it will have towards my other Lieutenant and the punishments that will come with it. Gus finds no wrong in what he did, disobeying the orders of the Chancellor, but being a Lieutenant, his actions are far, FAR more serious then Katie's and he doesn't even see it. When I warned him that what he was doing was treason, he laughed it off, saying at best it was public buffoonery. Disloyalty is not buffoonery, its outright Treason when you know you are acting against the will of the Chancellor. As a guard, that's one of the worst crimes you can commit. What does it say about the guard when they put themselves above the will of the Chancellor? That he is above her station and doesn't have to obey her? He said he was willing to face the consequences, I don't think he realizes how serious the consequences are. Or that I am not the one that has to charge him. By law he is my equal, his charges will be directly by the Chancellor or the Commander. I charged Katie for the actions of her troupe, the public buffoonery. That is and was her crime to bare, his is far more serious. She isn't part of Cordor officially in the government that Cordor looks to when it comes to Law and Justice. Gus is. When the charges come, I will appeal to keep him a guard, but I will not fight to prevent him being charged. He deserves it and he knew he was committing a crime. I will have to speak to Cev or the Chancellor to see what they want me to do.

I now own a ship, I named it the Morning Star in honor of Astra and Lathander. Quentin finally showed back up too, he had gone to see family and honestly didn't think he would be gone that long. Astra has made a suggestion, we spoke of my past again, me, her Jadoth and Glartar and my longing to know my family, she suggested talking to Jacob, that maybe there is a way to track them down, even if its one sided. I would love to know who my family is, do I have siblings? Are my parents alive and well or did my mother die? Who was my father? Of course, she also warned against getting my hopes too high too. So I don't burn myself in the process of it. Theres no promise Jacob can do anything, that anyone can and I will just remain a nobody. I have to try though, I would really love to know something, anything really. I'm sure if they are alive, my mother has at least once wondered about me. She would want to know wouldn't she? That I am alive? What would she say to me if she could? Well, guess I need to go find Jacob.

Gods_Kill_People
Posts: 568
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 11:59 am

Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Sat Apr 14, 2018 1:40 am

Change - make or become different.

Change, an essential part of life, yet something we fight against tooth and nail to prevent. Why? I am not sure, perhaps it is the fear that we have to let go of the delusion that we have control. I have had to go through many changes over the last eight years, some much larger then others. Be it the change of going from slave to free, from terrified survivor to war hero, from War hero to defender of Bendir to Sheriff of Bendir, from Sheriff to deathly ill patient, to father and wizard, to Cordorian guard to Lieutenant of the guard, my life has been full of drastic changes. Yet for all the fighting against them that I did, I wouldn't change where I am now. Alara and Alwin are happy and growing strong, Astra and I are closer then ever, though...I feel me and Jadoth have drifted a bit apart, in gaining my independence from desperately needing him, hes become reclusive with me, doesn't really speak to me often. This honestly saddens me, but I am not sure its my place to pry.

Alara and Alwin are nearly two, they say so much now its amazing, Kewa, Merwie, wof (wolf) kitie (Twilight). I tell them stories often of Nehala and even of Alara, for whom my daughter is named for. I tell them stories I am not always sure Astra would approve, of the drow, of my life below, they are scary stories sometimes...but it is better to know the truth then something happen to me and not know.

I have finally remastered Undercommon, but now I need to remaster Xanalress, and with Jadoth barely talking to me thats going to be near impossible without traveling below. It has been a very long journey, but I must admit it has been an interesting one, and I still cannot wait to see where it takes me next...

I would write more, but I can hear Alara crying for me now, she really is my little girl. Likely dirty and needs a bottle, to parenting I go.

Gods_Kill_People
Posts: 568
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 11:59 am

Re: Journal of the Rising Moon

Post by Gods_Kill_People » Fri May 25, 2018 10:33 pm

Today of all days there is nothing to define, I have come to accept my fate as I feel my body betraying me. I prepare for so many thing, yet I can do nothing to prevent the inevitable. My own death. I spend my days often with the children, telling them stories I hope they will remember forever as I remember my mother.

I haven't seen Astra in over a month, part of me believes she is taking her distance to help her with the grieving process, she wants to get her own things done, and in reality, I can understand not wanting to watch me die, I wish I didn't have to either. Part of me wonders really how long it will be before she decides to just leave. Not that I would fault or blame her, as again, who wants to sit and watch this? It must be killing her to go through this.

I'm not mad, or even upset anymore about her distance, honestly I am just coming to understand that death is a painful process, one that has no good answer and that it hurts those around me that do care. It is very strange to write like this in here.

I have finally confessed to Berenor about what I truly feel....about the darkness growing within me towards most elves, I literally tried to murder Zathlan, sure he was being a jerk and knew that name would push me, but before that, I had never struck out at an elf outside of my own defense. It honestly scares me a bit to see that side of myself. Berenor made me two promises after I told him. Though I haven't told Astra about these promises yet, I likely should. I just don't really want to worry her more, and I know she will and its not fair to her.

Promise number one, to kill me if I keep backsliding down the path of darkness that the Drow set me on so long ago to kill other elves without mercy.

Promise number two, when the disease gets too bad, beyond reason, I don't want to sit and suffer waiting for it to slowly take me. We are going to fight it out one last time, man to man. To the death. We both know the outcome already, since I can barely wield a sword anymore, but better to die fighting on my feet, then slowly in a bed in sheer agony.

Berenor made his own promise to me too, to look after Astra, Alara and Alwin when I am gone no matter what. Its some semblance of relief. For now I should go check on Alara, shes getting into things again.








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