Compassion
“ Compassion is the formative virtue in our treatment of the innocent. It flows from the truth that life is precious, and that those who wish to live simply and well have enough troubles doing so, and the resolve to make that aim easier.
The compassionate heart understands that cruelty is the enemy of the decency within our hearts, and moves to thwart it at every turn imaginable.”
-Virtue of Compassion, unknown philosopher.
I have met someone new. A strange concept, I feel, these days. At least to me. Someone who has lived on this island for six years. I hear many who come to these islands leave after a few years. They become irrelevant, old, die, succumb to some dastardly fate, or simply rejoin their lives and families on the mainland. Those who do not, receive the cold shoulder. They must die soon or leave... Or continue on whilst the rest of the populace thrives with newness and change. It is a strange concept that many share only here on the island of Arelith.
I’v- this isn’t what I desired to talk about. No. I shall not write about that right now. I want to talk about this person.
This new person that I met.. Has ended up being the
strangest ally I think I have ever met. It is not that he as a person is strange, or that his personality is, but rather the circumstance for the odd acquaintanceship.
I think it is possibly because his significant other, whose name shall certainly not be written in this journal, has spent quite a lot of her time meddling with me whilst I carried the mantle of Commander.
You would think that this man would dislike me. Hate me. Loathe me. I have no illusion that he has been fed the same filth and poison that many of the other paladins on this island are fed on- not just me- but tieflings in particular.
But.. he doesn’t. At least he has reserved his judgement for himself. It is this that I respect.. Immensely. That is a rare thing to see in humans these days. Reserving their opinions for their own experience rather than the rumors they hear.
His name is Quentin Vale, and he is a paladin of the Morninglord. Lathander. Yes. You are hearing that right, dear journal. A paladin. A tiefling and a paladin getting along. I feel as if the world might end or we might see flaming, flying piglets.
I thought be like
Rashti Vashti and Hyoskos? Hipskis? Whatever. I thought Quentin would act like them. Call me a carrion eater at the moment of meeting me. Spit at me. Threaten me. No... He looked at me with kindness and he treated me with common decency. Respect. I was caught off guard. Pleasantly, of course. It touched my heart. No one had treated me like that just in the first few moments of meeting one another. Even Ceviran studied me with distrust before we grew close.
To be honest, it has all happened very quickly. I’m not quite sure how we ever got to talking. - Just that we did. I think it was in the barracks when we were speaking with Baranor about staying in the guard but my memory is not perfect. I am only glad that it did. Somehow, we started to spend time slaying devils and demons together. And just this past tenday, we took to slaying spree through the undead that plague Manfreid’s land. I know. Slaying things is perhaps not the best way to befriend a paladin, but I think he understands the violence and the agony that churns inside of me. That.. need to express what makes my blood boil. The monster. I know that I do good. I try too, at least. I kill things that go bump in the night. I slay things that harm the innocent. I am not paladin but.. I do think I make some difference. And that counts for something. I think he recognized that. He recognized the hope and yearning in my soul to fight what I am.
In a perplexing way, Quentin reminds me of Alara.. Rest her soul. He’s like this.. Strange mix between Theoros and Alara that I never really saw coming. Stoic, yes kind and understanding. Strong, but not unwilling to speak of feelings or the depravity of life. Reserved, but is able to open up just enough to relate to.
I didn’t really know much about Lathander. In fact, all I know of this god is what I have learned from Quentin within the past three tendays. His god seems to be a mix, as far as I can tell, between Eilistraee and Sune- except his symbol is of the sun. Apparently, the Morninglord is a god of hope, compassion, forgiveness, redemption, justice, change, and new beginnings. He talks a lot about fate and new horizons. I admit that- I feel drawn to this god. Hope is one of the things that, I believe, keeps me going. Forgiveness and redemption is something I have longed for, that I seek from my family. The chance for a new beginning from the ashes and fires that laid waste to my life. I am addicted to conversations with this paladin. - Gods, I thought I’d never write that. That’s weird.
Every conversation seems to be centered on some kind of past experience, personal feeling, moral or philosophical debate. Of course, he and I do have our differences. And I believe he does not show most of who he is. But.. that is okay. It’s good to not simply put ones full trust into someone they just met. Friendship is a serious thing that takes a while to cultivate. Like a seed that needs to grow into a plant before one can prosper from it.
I find myself telling him about things that I have not even told Ceviran. Things that I truly hang with guilt and shame on my soul. Not any mistake that I made in my professional career, but the mistakes I made in my personal life. Things.. I don’t even like admitting to myself. Things that I think I could only admit to Alara.
I am still shocked I admitted it, allowed, to him. I told him about what I did. I don’t think I have even written about what I did here, in my journal. I don’t think I’ve written about any of the personal bad decisions I made..
I lied..
I deceived the people I.. cared for the most.
I almost got Cev killed.
I almost got myself killed.
And I betrayed their trust. All of them.
Because I thought I could have both. I thought.. Somehow I could turn him. Get him to care about Theoros and Pierce. To see them as family as I saw them.
The other tiefling I had in my life... I thought I could turn to good. I was.. Foolish. I believed I could teach him to be like me. I believed.. I could get him to see Pierce and Theo. To love them as I did. As family. I ignored the truth because I didn’t want to believe it. Pierce and Theo never would have liked this tiefling. And the tiefling never would have trusted them. I should have made a decisions. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was weak. I chose both and because of my lies I lost both. The tiefling fell into darkness.. And Theo never wishes to speak with me again. I cannot speak for Pierce. I don’t know how he feels. But I know he speaks words of poison behind my back...
I know what I did was wrong. I almost got Ceviran killed. I did get him killed. And Kent is six-feet under at the hand of this dark tiefling... and at my hand too- even if I didn't actually physically harm them. I foolishly thought I could do a paladin's job. I thought I could save my kin. I hoped I could change his mind..
But I did it in all the wrong ways. And I hurt
so many in the process. And bless Alara. Bless Ceviran, they were the only ones who knew. The only ones who kept me from falling into the darkness myself. I fear if not for them, my shame and my guilt would have consumed me.
Oh Safiyya, what would you say to me now? Would you churn me too? Hate me for what I have done?
... I would.
...
I told him about it. Most of it. I don’t know how or why. It just.. Came up, and I talked. In the middle of Guldorand, no less.
He didn't smite me. He didn’t even try. He gazed at me with
sympathy. If it had been anyone else, I would have glared and told him to spare me the pity. But from him, it was genuine. Nor did he wish I suffer more for what happened. That being with my blood was a punishment enough. Somehow, it doesn’t feel enough.
I do not care if he says we are not friends. I don’t care if he says we are only allies in the fight for what is good. This man has given me more than many of my own friends ever cared to. I consider him my friend. I want him to be my friend... to look at me as a shield-sister. I have this desire in my heart to prove his doubts and distrust against those of my race wrong.
And as emotionally charged, and ridiculous a lot of this probably sounds, I can’t help but write about it. For the longest time, I’ve held my eyes closed and moved with the motions. It’s been a while since I actually desired to befriend someone else. A long while since I.. had the desire to meet their expectations of me. I am trying to not put him on a pedestal. I know Quentin is just a man. He is just a mortal like the rest of us. He has his own mistakes and flaws. There are things he can’t possibly relate to with me.
Like how I see
Rashti Vashti or the dwarves. He can’t relate to the undeniable treatment that my race, or at least what I have experienced, gets among people like them. For me, I have only met a single dwarf who has ever treated me with common decency or respect. All others have, from the moment they opened their mouths, treated me as garbage. The only time they give me respect is when I have shown up to save their hole in the wall of a city from certain doom like with the duergar this past tenday. And I am certain that is just because they didn’t notice my horns weren’t attached to my helm. Vashti is worse. I tried to befriend her. I needed to. I tried..
Hard. But the only time she ever attempted to be nice was when she wanted information from me. She
never showed me kindness. She
never showed me patience. She showed her arse and bit her thumb at me that’s what she did.
She is no saint. She’s evil.
But Quentin does not see this. In fact he has made me promise not to insult
Rashti Vashti in his presence. It is.. frustrating... The dwarves have ever only been kind to him. Vashti was only ever kind to him. Because... he’s human. Because he’s a paladin. It’s not the same because he won’t ever experience that hatred that tieflings do.
That’s okay. I won’t expect him to understand. At least not yet. Maybe in time he will.