Journal of a lost locked star.

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Journal of a lost locked star.

Postby Atlantahammy » Wed Nov 29, 2017 5:35 am

Image
The journal's cover is a rich shade of purple, a silver moon, holding a five point diamond shaped purple gem, bordered in the same silver sits in the center with the name of the owner written above in rather swirly silver colored text, "Astra Starlock" it reads.

A silver lock also holds this book closed, the edges are bordered in silver as well. Purple book mark, with a silver star on it, hangs between the pages... There seems to be a faint glitter about the cover as well, the texture feels a little rough from what ever is embedded in the cover to allow that glitter.

While it looks like any thick, hard cover book, opening reveals it's been enchanted, to not only be light weight, but to have endless pages, when one is filled, another appears in the back, it's a wonder how the binding doesn't break.

It also appears all the text, is written neatly in a purple colored ink against the tea stained colored paper, each page is dated, and numbed as well
-----------------------------------------

Ches 13th, 135AR, Entry I, Page I:

Well, I deiced to get myself a journal, specially given it was the advice given to Seel'Melaa... Thought It would be best for me to have one as well since I.. don't speak my mind often, and often just express myself through drawing, but my past year here has left me with a lot of lingering thoughts that.. Wont leave, even if I draw them out...

At some point after I write this extremely long entry, I'll dedicate the next pages in the back to people I know, even if I end up writing them in all different places in here, I'll reorganize them and put them in their proper place in the back...

Anyway, I came here on the 10th month on the 20th, in 133AR, right in what I would call the desperate and violent death throws of something that has been called the "Illusion wars" or the "Spriggin Wars"... Just about every Tenday we where constantly assaulted by them without rest.. Made my first year on this island a bit of a hell...

I fear I have-- No, I do have lingering trauma from it all, that merely feeds the problems I already have... Specially when I am up in the warden's hall, I can't relax while up there, I still fear Drow assassins, and bounty hunters will try and bust in the door without a moments notice, every time I hear someone knock on that door.

Seeing Seel'Melaa, killed twice, once by a man named Bendhardt, and again by Fe'dath Merladiel... in such close proximity has...Also left me with a a fair bit of trauma, as well as a deep seeded distrust of the two... I'm terrified to be in the same area as the two of them when I have to be...Here I thought I was incapable of holding grudges for longer then two months.

Them and Vienxay Starlight, but eeeeveryone wants to punch Vienxay, I really hope I'm there when someone does, cause my gods, she's bad and throws insults around so freely that they have started to loose all meaning.

Not everything was bad in 134AR though... I did meet my friend, Jadoth, and boyfriend, Seel'Melaa, (then known as Yorn) officially, after seeing them in the foyer once or twice before, a month or so before I officially met them, when Jadoth had been...Captured.

135AR hasn't been too bad, nothing compared to hells we went through with the spriggins... however, between what is going on with Thulk, Yorn, an Jadoth; and the Cordor guard, the Ordo as they are called, making up lies about us.. I fear I will never get that permit, specially as I fear Pierce Welby, the chansoller of Cordor, has some personal slit against me, thanks to Celestia Merlin, Lilly Blake, Thazar Ur, and Ryth Ellaniar making up lies about me... It may just be my "paranoia" acting up again though..

Lily does seem to be on better terms with me, specially after the talk Lissa and Jacob had with the both of us separately...Specially after her and Celestia Merlin, had a falling out, I... Do want a chance to talk to her sometime, when she's not busy of course.

Other things that have been on my mind, are the drow raiding parties that come up form stonehold, and the things Jadoth has told me... Blunt, but they are not wrong, and I know he says them because he cares, he cares a lot, despite how he tries to play it off otherwise... He is definitely a very good, caring, kind hearted person, despite trying to make himself believe he isn't..Least that is what I get when he says he's retired and shouldn't care.

I don't think what he says is wrong though... I fear what would happen if I ended up collared... For I am very submissive, taught to not speak unless spoke too, too fall in line and not to question what superiors tell me...Unless I want to face physical backlash... I'm glad I have the tower, Jadoth, and Seel as people who'll come for me, should that happen.. I trust them, despite all the discord and miscommunication that has been going on recently.

I also keep putting off my Thesis, it's been almost two years, and I am still a apprentice, but with the threats of Jadoth or Seel being removed I....hesitate, I don't want to get some place then just have to leave because... uhg. I'm also procrastinating because I don't know what to write about..

Things.. things also like to come up at bad times, but I can't just... stop them from coming up at bad times, and try to take as much stress as I can off Jadoth and Seel best I can to help but..

Like my talk with the archmages and them went an hour or more ago, I lock up, I think i'm going to make things worse, that I'm not helping... I wish.. I wish I could stop from feeling like that, and stop second guessing myself, and that the feeling would just go away that makes me unable to speak.

I hate myself for that... I hate myself for being a coward, I hate myself for being a stupid broken lazy sack of s--

No I shouldn't self deprecate here, I should stop writing for now...
Specially now that Jacob, Thulk, Angela, Jadoth and Seel'Melaa...
I also should not share this with Seel'Melaa, I worry how bad it might get taken... Might just be being paranoid again.

-----------------------------------------

Important People:

Jadoth Dawnfire (Jad, Jaddy)
Sun Elf | Birthdate: Unknown | Male.

Jadoth is... Jadoth, there is no other way to explain him...Well there is, but it sounds harsh.. He's broken, like, broken as in someone who cares too much, and has been severely taken advantage of... With all trust being broken... He needs some down time to just.. relax without trying to help, and just allow himself to heal...

It's hard not to see him as a close friend, or a brother, despite he sometimes does dumb things, but I understand where they come from, their just how he knows how to deal with things, just like me... He's also someone really close to Seel, sometimes I swear it's like a match to see who can out care for the other.

I want to help him, I want to tell him it will be okay, that things will get better, and there is always a light at the end, but he's been here longer then me, suffered more then me, and I know that is.. just not how reality works... I want him to feel safe with me and be someone he can talk to though, even if it's all I can do... Just, be someone who can make his day a bit better.

Seel'Melaa (Formally Yorn).
Moon Elf | Birthdate: Unknown | Male.

My boyfriend, and another friend of mine, He's.. also very broken, getting there, but still broken, he's made a lot of leaps and strides since i met him in 134, but he's still... Needs help, I've taught him how to read, and right, and made a quill to help him with writing reports for the hawkin' and the Wardens, I really am proud of how far he's come.

I love him, and I hope he realizes this, despite how.... Socially inept I am... I try to express it.. but I feel it comes out wrong and just.. comes off creepy... Or just coming off as just saying words to try and be dismissive... He's also someone I want to try and cheer up when everything has gone so horribly wrong, but I just..

I admit there are days I want to whack him, specially when I realize issues come up at the worst times, but I know better, and that is just part of being in a relationship, and he's allowed to feel those things, specially with how he's still learning how to have those emotions... So I cannot be made at him, and it doesn't make me love him any less.

Jacob Swift.
Human...? | Birthdate: Unknown | Male.

Lead Archmage of the Tower, and Angela's boyfriend, from what I gather, he's also pretty much Jadoth's adoptive father figure, one of the few people I've seen him actually completely listen too...Though I do sometimes wonder if Jacob realizes this... Though he does seem to very much be the father figure of the tower and the students.

He's a very nice person, definitely someone we can feel safe around... Its also interesting the things he's figured out how to do with Necromancy, definitely takes the "The the magic isn't whats evil, it is the person that uses it" ideal to heart.

Veritas Doplehaulserman. (Dooples)
Half-Elf | Birthdate: Unknown | Male.

One of the Master's here at the tower, quite funny, first time I met him, he was in the apex being threatened by the Raident Heart, wasn't long after I joined the tower too, and thought him arrogant, but more I listened to him talk, more he began to remind me of my previous Master... Smart, proud of his work, sassy, grumpy, (given to a lesser extent) and a bit of a drama queen...

Given he does more dumb things then my master did, but, I.. can't find the will to see him totally stupid, and still trust him, specially after the dragon ritual incident... I hope he returns soon.. Where I can show him how much I've grown, and be thought by him, with Jadoth...

Maybe even return his the Deck of the Star's he'd given me, to him.. I've kept them in good Shape, despite using them, for when he returns.

Snow Emil.
Elf| Birthdate: Unknown | Female.

She seems to pretty much be Arelith's main and only doctor, while Jacob is one of her surgeons.. They so need help. She was one of the first people, with her fiancé, Lacroix, that I had met on the island. She also gave me my first Deck of the Stars, and showed me around a bit, getting the Myon portal...

She also seems to somewhat be one of Jadoth's mother figures, definitely seems very nice~ ...I wish she was able to come around more... I dunno but I get the feeling I've seen her somewhere, but knowing my memory it's likely wrong, and I am mistaking her for someone else.



Pictures coming soon.
Last edited by Atlantahammy on Fri Dec 08, 2017 12:41 am, edited 6 times in total.
Atlantahammy
 
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Re: Journal of a lost locked star.

Postby Atlantahammy » Fri Dec 01, 2017 4:17 am

Tarsakh 4th, 135AR, Entry II, Page II:

So, I've not seen Seel the last tenday, must of been extremely tried, or off somewhere doing his blacksmithing, all he same, I just hope he's okay, did seem really tried after that meeting that was had at the clinic, if he's been sleeping, then good, he really needs it...

I should really make him a dream catcher, and enchant it, would likely help with the Nightmares.

This past tenday, also made me realize how much I appreciate he knows that sometimes, we just need time from each other, why? because Jantira was fallowing Me and Jadoth the whole time, and me and Jadoth couldn't shake him for a long time to get to talk, it was... Pretty frustrating, I admit I maybe should of said something, but my gods, had he not been one of Seel's friends, I'd likely of snapped.

I wonder if Jadoth gets like that with me sometimes, I do realize when he's around I gravitate towards him, like we do when Archmage Jacob is around, like a line of ducklings behind their mother, heh... All the same, I worry if I frustrate him like that sometimes, or he finds it creepy... Not really sure how to go about asking that, to find out if he needs me to back off sometimes.

I think... Had people not been around, I would of told Jadoth about how I was the same when I was younger, someone who had a very strong caring nature, heh, so much so I even felt bad about squashing bugs, despite my own fear of spiders...

However I'd gotten badly hurt by people that wanted to, and did, take advantage of me, stepped all over me, and I proceeded to suppress a lot of my emotions, and convinced I didn't actually care, and was just so angry all the time... And just.. became the nearly emotionless, broken, angry, vengeful, submissive mess I am today, that I am desperately trying to fix and undo... I really don't want him to end up like me..

Then again, I have changed a bit since being here, I am a bit more open then when I first arrived.

My younger self would be sadden at how she became as a adult...I still remember how I wanted to be the nicest, most helpful person I could possibly be... As well as being tall and strong, buuut none of that happen, heh...Well, maybe the helpful bit did, just a little... Been helping make a lot of Phrasebooks recently.

Lissa also spoke to me the night before, about how maybe I can start my thesis. I don't think she realizes just how much that helped, I might actually be able to get that thing started soon...

For the longest time, I thought Lissa actually didn't like me, but then again it likely was just bad timing, all things considered, she had lost her father, mother taken, and where in the middle of a spriggin' war with them using her image... Perhaps I was just being a bit too sensitive.

I also am able to fluently speak in Celestial, at long last! Feels nice to have one language of the many I have, checked off my list.

Ah this Johanna person, also has me quite worried with how she stares at us, and speaks, I can tell she makes Jadoth really uncomfortable... Hell she makes me uncomfortable, but I can only imagine how much more worse it is for Jadoth, specially given he's been trained to spot behaviors like that, and do something about them, from what I get he was the only one able to even DO that at one point in his job...it must be ten fold compared to what I feel... Specially now he can't exactly do much about them anymore.

...I don't like how Jadoth broke his hand in order to get his mind off the situation, I wish I knew a better way to help him find a much healthier one, but.. I don't, and I'm not going to pretend like my methods for situations like that will help any, Jadoth is not Me, they likely wont help him at all.. I just, wish everyone else realized this... and would stop acting like their methods of handling things will help him.

It's the same with Seel, I cannot tell him not all Elisatreen's are like the ones that have hurt him, and it's unfair to blame them all, but this has been, so far, his ONLY experience with them thus far, thus my words would have no meaning, and would only serve to invalidate what he is feeling.

I have no issue with the Elisatreen's, other then Rhaeg is an idiot, and has earned the disappointing stares of Yeto, Jacob, Jadoth, and more, and should not be trusted.... Uuuhg Why did I have to state that out loud... Oh well.

But all the same, I cannot actively say anything, until at least some sort of healing is done for him, so that Seel at least understands some what, that, the action of a few, does not represent the whole...

For now, I worry about Jadoth's hand, best to rat him out to Snow..Also worried about Seel, not seen him in two Tenday now.
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Re: Journal of a lost locked star.

Postby Atlantahammy » Sat Dec 02, 2017 2:31 am

Tarsakh 13th, 135AR, Entry III, Page III:

Welp, Jadoth broke his hand last tenday in a attempt to relieve his anger that the whole situation Johanna had brought on... Didn't know those spell deflectors where that strong.. I'm glad I told Jacob about his hand through, I don't think I'd been able to set it properly, hand bones and joints are just.. small.

Jadoth likely realizes I told Jacob, I just need to wait for him to ask, given I didn't tell Jacob, how, when, or why, other then it was possibly broken, after Jadoth had left cordor...Jadoth deserves the right to reveal those reasons himself.

Johanna also confronted me about Jadoth's threats the last tenday... Oooh boy that was scary... Something is definitely not right with that lady... She'd asked if Jadoth would make a attempt on her life, which truthfully, I stated, No, unless she was some actual threat that Jadoth could prove, with actual evidence, she was likely fine, and that while Jadoth make's threats, their all mostly empty.

Mostly, but like hell I'd tell a stranger that, and that they'ed likely not have enough time to make it out the door if they where a real active threat, Hoooo boy, and if Jadoth was hurt by them first, Jacob and Seel would eviscerate them into the next plane of existence.

But again, like hell I'm going to tell someone that, specially someone as shady as that... What worries me though, is the fact she didn't accept this answer though...What she also said has me worried:

"Any rational in regard to my survival dictate, removing his clear mental disabilities, that i should act upon these threats"

Geeee, good job proving his point, lady.... I'm going to need to report this to the Archmages, good crimady christmas, She even still didn't believe me, after I said "Unless you really are some kind of underdark spy, I doubt your in any real danger" and kept asking what kind of threat he'd pose... and again, like hell i'm gonna tell that, specially if she is a real threat.

I got lucky, and someone came in needing help...Needed to ID a Beijuril Gem, she left after that... and that was when I noticed this person also pick pocketed my two Ruby's, since I'd noticed the one she'd passed me was out of place, when I went to get my water skin... and I'd known this whole time I'd had been carrying two...had it been one of my others I carry much more of, I likely would not of noticed as quickly...I at least got one back...Eh, guess you can't pick who helps you sometimes...

She did try to pick pocket Jad not long later, and I tried to point out I knew she'd taken my two my rubys, She of course, denied this, but eh, whats to be expected, people think I am stupid all the time.

I also sassed Gallows while I was restocking my shop today, my god it felt good, reminding him ever so kindly, that I remember him as the man that called Seel a dick... Wonder if he even remembers that day when he came into the clinic, and started talking about dogs... Maybe me remembering is a indication I'm holding a bit of a salty grudge?

...Naaaaah.

...Johanna was also talking about how thesis's work not long ago, made me.. feel like doing mine was dumb, specially since it brought nothing really new to the table, my study has also been very slow and mainly been in regards of what I found in books...I'm just.. glad Jadoth didn't pick up just how upset I really was.
Atlantahammy
 
Plays as: Astra Starlock
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Re: Journal of a lost locked star.

Postby Atlantahammy » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:53 am

Tarsakh 24th, 135AR, Entry IV, Page IV:

Started off the day alright, got a few wands made for the shop, as well as two more phrasebooks printed, and a bit of a stock up on ink, even if it is just a small stock, does make the bag heavier though...Got to talk to Seel, and got a bunch of soft wood together.

Spent a good few hours putting my new outfit together that Sully made me, I think it looks nice~ bit too much black, but any more purple and it would look awful. I should change the belt later.

I also accidentally took myself out with alcohol poisoning from spirits after doing like... three? four? scrys on this Stylo person, who I recognize from before, who pick pocketed me and Jadoth, least now I have her name to give to the wardens and archmages.. Still.. Uhg.

A lot of people saw that...Might want to avoid Cordor for a bit until they forget that happen... Is nice to see people worry about me though..Worried about Seel hearing about it, I should tell him myself...Specially now that this Stylo is wanting me dead.

Overall, this Tenday was okay, spent some bonding time with Jadoth and Snow, and I'm in a much better mood then most tendays.. I kinda hope things keep going well, despite freaking Seel out a bit, dying, and the whole chasing a murder around for a day, and not working on my thesis things.

Huh, this is a much shorter entry then most ,but it seems okay.
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Re: Journal of a lost locked star.

Postby Atlantahammy » Mon Dec 04, 2017 8:54 am

Mirtul 7th, 135AR, Entry V, Page V:

There was a strange event going on in cordor today with the Thayven marriage candidate, she was selling items... Likely without a permit, and likely irresponsibility, given what I heard.. There was also another murder in apparently, with a Troll and Werewolf in the sewer. Man just what the heck is going on in that city...?

Further more, kept running into damn Vienxay starlight today, uuuuhg, was not pleasent, least I got to know a bit more about Mina... It's.. kinda nice to have someone actually listen for a change, even if she's a starlight.

It's been another boring tenday, not to bad, I mean, besides the beholders with kobolds in the bloodmoon orc cave, but need a adjurer to get read of that... Still didn't like how that weird Steven fellow was so gonne-hoe to complete it.

I also hesitated to ask Pierce about the magic permit.. Twice.. I let my thoughts get the better of me..I also need to get the name of the fay Bhando is trying to find, maybe try and scry for her.
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Re: Journal of a lost locked star.

Postby Atlantahammy » Wed Dec 06, 2017 9:39 am

Mirtul 24th, 135AR, Entry VI, Page VI:

Well, that all went to hell in a hand basket, last ten-night, apparently the Banite named Zeek went and killed the White Wolf, Elf druid named Xellree? I am likely spelling that wrong, outside the nomad in the outskirts of Cordor, in front of Pierce...

Who then what I hear, put a bounty on baneit heads, then the baneits put a bounty on him... Glad me and Jadoth got him out of the hall before the mob of them broke in.

The this tenday was.. equal parts boring, and equal parts... "Interesting" Lina Starlight hired Sahri de Rais to kill Jadoth, Sahri asked Lina who she needed to kill, Lina pointed to Jad, stating he was a none Mystra follower, to which I said was a lie, cause they where many, she stated that for a trade of a list of Mystra and none Mystra followers of the tower, for research purposes, to which I used to stall.

Pointed out it was a very Sharren thing to say... but I used it, to allow Keryiven and the others of Myon to get there to protect Jadoth...I did however write quite the sassy note and read it off once they got there, allow her to chase me where Jad could get to safety.... Worked out well given after Lina left Sahri got stomped afterward.

Same time, before they left, Bhando had a trap set for him out at the Nomad, Paddy was drunk....I feel a bit bad about blowing that druid wolf-slave off...but my mind was more focused on...Helping everyone else.

After a meeting, most of the day was quite after, fallowed by a few small events, like where me, Jadoth, and sully Shapechanged into Dragon's to teach snow Draconic, that was funny, specially when Lacroix and Buppi walked in.

After that, as I was doing the last of my tenday's work, I come a crossed that our underdarker policy thing had been smashed.. Analisa S. Dirtytoes informed me it was a goblin, she also offered the brass needed to fix it, and I was able to do so.. And that's when said goblin, "Gzurak" came out with Lissa's corps, and put it down, course I freaked out.

After I got Lissa's corpse and it went in, I used my last raise scroll on her, I admit I likely should of done the alter at the Inn but I was a bit panicked, and didn't want to chance anything... me and Analisa, or "Andy" got her fixed up, and made sure that goblin had left the tower.

Stylo then came in..Was hard for me not to ID her, given I'd seen that disguise more then once....Though she was.. Okay this time, informed us that Sarina Dragonsong has someone looking up information on Lissa? which is weird...

I end this entry with a note to get more raise scrolls, or find a damn book of souls... and that...I am missing Seel a bit, I enjoy being with Jadoth, but I also like being with him, I wish there where more times that we could all have a nice time together.

I do need to also figure out how to tell him i'm more comfortable with him in regards to our relationship, but hells if I know how to go about explaining it...All the talks of weddings and stuff is also making me nervous, with so many getting married.

And it's not in regards to Seel, it's in regards to people trying to push us too it.. I'm of the strong opinion that you can't deiced you want to marry someone after a year of knowing them, and that it needs a bit more time then that.

It's also why I get so annoyed with people trying to push, or tease Jadoth about getting a girlfriend... He shouldn't have to feel pushed or pressured into getting into a relationship, that would be a gigantic disaster..

For that matter how do people know Jadoth isn't into guys? (Though to be fair I don't see him as a guy person myself, but I am able to be wrong) Or just.. Not interested at all? Those people exist after all..
Atlantahammy
 
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Re: Journal of a lost locked star.

Postby Atlantahammy » Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:25 am

Kythorn 6th, 135AR, Entry VII, Page VII:

The lecture today, was instead Jacob telling us of a book he was writing about one of his past adventures, it was pretty interesting.. Though I can't help but wonder what ever happen to that fourth child, that had vanished.. Suppose we'll never really happen, since this is real life, and we don't always get a answer.

Spent most of the day sitting in the foyer, worried about Jadoth, I understand he was hiding, given what happen, I'm glad I did get a chance to speak with him though, calm myself, and we got Snow to help in his floor not being splody..... Also that Pierce actually listened to him.. Poor Jadoth get's more crap then necessary.

Lina Starlight also apologized to me about what happen, and while I accepted it, Jadoth is the one she should apologize too.... Her uh, sister didn't exactly help, specially now that she's gathering people to try and lynch Jadoth.

...I uh, also found a note on my house, basically demanding I stop selling Gnomish phrasebooks in my shop, before someone gets hurt, Preeeeetty sure this was Terto, everyone and their dog has warned me about him.

I contacted Analisa, I merely just need to wait now for her to get back to me, to ensure it is okay I am selling those phrasebooks there, and I am not being paranoid...

Not even a hour ago....I found out, that not long after Jadoth had killed that idiot by mistake, that Fa'dath had showed up and.. There had apparently been a mob trying to stop him from leaving after that.. She had to rough him up to satisfy them, but.. It's still unknown if Jadoth know's she only did it to get them to leave... All the same I..

The paper here has tear stains in it, heavy ones that dried before the ink was applied...


I...I nearly lost all emotional control after that, I was crying, I was angry, I was breathing out embers of flame from just how... Just how much I wanted to.. How much I still want to drop a damn Balor on the next person that harasses Jadoth... I needed Fa'dath to talk me down.. remind me why I can't just go and murder those Monsters that walk around in the skins of vaguely looking civilized people.

The ones that purposefully seek him out to harass him.
Those that purposefully seek him out to physically hurt him.
Those that seek out to kill him.
Nag him on "patients" he has but everyone else pushes.
The ones that purposefully scream extreme hatred at him about his race.
Those that purposefully spread rumors and lies about him.
Those that have made it, that unless he threatens death, they wont leave him alone..
Those that have made it, to where "Leave me alone" no longer works..

I wanted to cry there...Scream how I wanted to make every last one of them feel the exact same pain they where making Jadoth feel... I still want to cry, but.. I don't want to do any of this with a stranger, despite what kindness she showed in helping me calm...Realizing just how far I repress my emotions..

She however did not realize that I don't only repress mine, but I... I suppose I'm what's known as a "Bleeding Heart"... While I squash my own, I also empathize greatly with others...Understanding others and where they come from, (Mostly) and so much more...

....I keep trying to tell myself I'm wrong, and I'm imagining it...But knowing what I do now.. I think.. Jadoth wanted to jump off the Myon Mythal... Commit suicide.

I knew he was closer to the edge then I was comfortable with, and the thought crossed my mind, that he was more upset then what he was letting on, but...I didn't think he'd do it, not with Snow and I there.. I should of...Dammit.

I pray to the gods I'm wrong, I hope with every part of my being I am wrong on those thoughts, and that wasn't actually what I was feeling from him at Myon...

..I miss Seal, I.. I want to talk with him or Jadoth, I just.. I just need someone to talk to next Tenday.

The last bit of writing is a bit runny, and faint from some tears had landed after the ink was applied, given by the stains, but it is read-able.

Atlantahammy
 
Plays as: Astra Starlock
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Re: Journal of a lost locked star.

Postby Atlantahammy » Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:20 am

Kythorn 20th, 135AR, Entry VIII, Page VIII:

Woke up today to find some strew in the pot, and a rose on the table, clearly Seel made it, so it's some relief to me, hm, didn't know he could actually cook, I knew of the ability to make Tea but.. Ah, I better not think hard on it.

Another "quite" day for the most part.. Mainly walked around with Jadoth, found that Elriel person, and Fe'dath are trying to get Jadoth labeled a dhaerrow in Myon... Can't say I am none to surprised to find out Fe'dath is completely two faced...I should of known... I should of known...Just adds salt into the wound of me breaking down in front of her..

I can't say the day was brighter after that, I spent most of it with Jadoth, who was still hiding... He honestly feels like no one wants him, and that people are just going to throw him away once they deiced he's more trouble then he's worth...and that if the tower throws him out, no longer wants him, he's going to Andunor, and wait their to kill someone, or till he's ether collared or killed...

He also feels like he's not allowed to make mistakes, or be "human" because at the slightest mistaken, or show of negative emotion.. he'll be tossed out..

There are new tear stains on the pages, their darker then the ones on the pages of the last entry, which have also left fainter marks on this entries pages.. There are a lot more on this entry though.


I keep telling him that he is indeed wanted, he has people like Snow, Lacroix, Jacob, Seel'Melaa.. Me... and that him getting kicked from the tower is unlikely... (I.. Do feel I am lying to myself though on that.. I do feel Lissa, Thulk, and Angela will likely be all too happy to remove him from the tower, if given the chance... I can't tell him this though, all it will do is make his suicidal thoughts louder, and feed them because their right...I feel awful not telling him, it feels like i'm lying to him, but I can't...I can't let those thoughts win...I also need to tell Jacob.)

We also got to talk at length about some things...I'm glad he feels safe enough to talk to me about them, and knows full well, i'd never make fun of him for these thoughts... I also told him how Veritas reminds me of my old Master...I also spoke about, if Veritas doesn't come back, I'll do my hardest to help him sort out his mind, like how Veritas did... It's going to require me to do a bunch of research, but...I have to try.

I hope, I pray, and I wish Veritas comes back soon.. I hadn't realized it had honestly been a year since he was taken away..

I don't know, how well much to heart he took it, but I explained to him a lot of the "criticisms" people are giving him, are not actual criticism, having witnessed a fair bit, I can safely say, a lot of what he gets, isn't genuine, and just thinly veiled jabs, insults and just.. generally all around nonconstructive comments hidden behind the shield of "Criticism" and that yes, criticism can be harsh and make him feel down, it should however, never make him feel like he should quite or give up, but instead make him want to improve, and that real criticism normally comes with a way on how he can go about fixing something, in one or more ways.

I also told him his he shouldn't look at him not helping people as "Not caring" but instead, as him taking time to heal, to be able to be able to help people again, because if she doesn't, he is, and he will, shatter, and when that happens, who will be there to help him? or take his place if or when he does...

Perhaps, it was wrong for me to say these things, and perhaps I may have undone work others had done to help him....But I do feel these are things that needed said, and he likely would know easily if I was lying, he did see first hand how easy I can swap masks to ensure no one picks up on that something is, or maybe wrong.

There where things I left unsaid, like how I wanted to promise him, that I would not leave him, and I'd be there for him...but at this point, promises are empty to him at this point, given how many have left him, so I instead plan to have my actions speak for me...and Prove it.

Another was that, while I'm not the smartest, healthiest, stable, or strongest person, and that I'm not those that left him, but nor am I Akira or Sarina, I will be there for him, and try to help him, there are going to be times I fumble, there will be times where we'll likely fight but... I refuse to be another link in that cycle that plagues him...It's likely best I left this one unsaid though, It... Likely would of gone badly.

...I have some Gnomish Phrasebooks to finish in the morning, as well as help Lissa with that runic circle, need to know what she needs specifically, also in regards to divination... I also need to work on my thesis more, and start research into helping Jadoth, now that I've mastered my enchantment focai... I also added a new entry to the profiles list.

I need... to stop crying, holding my tongue and act instead of hesitating because I fear of what may go wrong.
Atlantahammy
 
Plays as: Astra Starlock
Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:37 am


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